Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I Like Daily Show

Five people demanding that I have something new up by tomorrow morning. Three started posts saved to Draft. One brain under occupation by writer's block.

Flip things. Try the Wonder Kvetch* approach.

"Shoot me a random topic," I said to a friend. "5...4...3...2...1...GO!"
"I like Daily Show."

Okay. "I like Daily Show." I think I have something.

I Like Daily Show
by Dina
There are many times when the article "the" is substituted where there is none as protocol. Take, for example, "The Bronx." No one calls The Bronx "Bronx." That's just not its name. It's The Bronx and that's that.
Other times, "the" is actually officially present, but oftentimes left off. The phrase, "The Happy Sneaker" is a perfect example of this. Many people will refer to The Happy Sneaker as just Happy Sneaker. Why this is when the "the" is clearly official, I have yet to find out, but it remains the case.
I bring this up, because tonight my friend did something that is not often seen. He left out an official "the" (yes, I checked it up on the Comedy Central site to make certain) in a spot where most people would insert a "the" even if it isn't its place. How often will someone say, "I like the Mets," or "I like the color purple" in place of "I like Mets," and "I like color purple?" Often, I can tell you that without research because I'm just psychic like that. But my friend did nothing of the sort. Instead of saying, "I like The Daily Show," which is the correct way to say it, he said, "I like Daily Show." And for that we thank him for this post (of nonsense).
*Wonder Kvetch is my superhero alias. My superpower? The ability to make conversation about absolutely anything.

34 original thoughts out there

Anonymous SuperSchlub said...

Let us rally other Super Heroes to our cause! Let me know if my Tefillin can be of any help!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 1:42:00 AM  
Anonymous spinach girl's sidekick said...

um, I'm not a superhero, but I am a sidekick of sorts;)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 1:48:00 AM  
Blogger MC Aryeh said...

Wonder Kvetch is a good super hero name. I am surprised it was not already taken...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 3:50:00 AM  
Anonymous brown eyed girl said...

some people say "da bronx."

:-)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 9:49:00 AM  
Blogger Elster said...

Well done Wonder Kvetch, now if you can just do something about Jon Stewart's overly liberal, slanted views (ducks to avoid rocks being thrown)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 12:20:00 PM  
Anonymous sara said...

while im extremely grateful for the tame topic compared to the volitile nature of last post, to be honest ,i found this a litte boring. dina- we depend on you- dont let us down= im falling asleep at work now and its all because of you

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 4:07:00 PM  
Anonymous sara said...

while im extremely grateful for the tame topic compared to the volitile nature of last post, to be honest ,i found this a litte boring. dina- we depend on you- dont let us down= im falling asleep at work now and its all because of you

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 4:07:00 PM  
Blogger The Nucular Jew said...

I'm with Sara, Dina. What the hell was that? Definately worst post ever.

Come on, I require your blog to live!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 5:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

I have an idea. What if Dina takes a break from the blog to learn the meaning of her life?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Elster said...

Yes, Dina shall, nay MUST, learn the meaning of life. But where, oh where can she do that? I know - at moshiak.com! But only the Philosphy now. She has to wait for the manifesto of life, due later this year - all yours for the very low price of $29.99

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:50:00 PM  
Anonymous miryam said...

Lets not beat up on Dina. She did it as a favor to all of us...all of us except one, that is.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 8:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

The Philosophy is for free. You don't have to purchase the Manifesto if you don't want to. The Philosophy explains the meaning of life. She doesn't have to purchase the Manifesto lectures if she doesn't want to. And what's wrong with selling something? Just because you buy a car, that doesn't mean that it's a lemon.

Dina, don't waste your time entertaining these "friends" of yours. These are the kinds of people who have to be forced to learn philosophy by their parents.

Moshiak

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 8:54:00 PM  
Anonymous yetzer hatov said...

Yes, Dina. Don't listen to your freinds. Listen instead to the stalker who spammed your blog in an effort to sell his book.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 9:41:00 PM  
Anonymous yetzer tov said...

*friends

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 9:42:00 PM  
Blogger MC Aryeh said...

Can we restrict stalkers who spam your blog in an effort to sell their book to the "Moshiach Sent Me An E-mail Post". That could be the post for all stalkers to comment on, leaving the other posts to the rest of us...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Fine!

I'm actually rather flattered that I'm so relied upon. :)

Awwwwwwwwwwww.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

I was actually aware of this rule, being THE Zombie Lama and all.

When does the Wonder Kvetch comic book come out? Ooh, and what does your costume look like? *wonders*

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger Lost in Service said...

Well the lack of an article is the first error. The other is the removal of "with John Stewart [Liebowitz]" or "with Craig Kilborn."

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

You fools. I live on the other side of the country. How can I be a stalker? Gee, I must be looking at Brownsville Girl through my Mega 2 million telescope, watching her every move. Just because a guy likes a girl, that makes him a "stalker"? What a bunch of self-obsorbed women.

Okay, what part of THE PHILOSOPHY IS FOR FREE don't you understand? And it is not merely my intention to make money off of my lectures; it is also my intention to change this screwed up world that we live in. I can make more money pandering to the foolishness that surrounds me, but I choose instead to destroy it: a less profitable enterprise, no doubt, but still far more rewarding.

At this point I'm just smiling at the stupidity. Keep going, please, keep showing the world that this is how people talk to the Moshiach. None of you fools have read my book, yet you wallow in the pretense that I am full of shit. What a bunch of children. Is there no one here who compreheds the term "meaning of life" enough to want to know it? Anyone here the least bit curious as to the meaning of life enough to look at the front page of my website? Let me guess. The answer is "no." Yep. This is the kind of evil for which people need Moshiach.

Moshiak

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 1:54:00 AM  
Blogger The Nucular Jew said...

Elster, FUNNY.

And Dina, i think you're providing a great service to my life. I like the blog a lot :)

Hold on though Mir, since when do we stop beating up on Dina!?

Ok, and whoever the yetzer hatov is, funny stuff.... FUNNY

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 1:56:00 AM  
Blogger Elster said...

D:

As much as I have always loved the random zanyness (is zanyness a word? Zaniness? Zany-ness? Elliot Ness?), my love for it has tripled since Moshiak arrived. I now come back here like 4X a day.

I even read the philosphy. it's a work of genious. I love circular logic. I suggest you all run along to his link and become educated. No, I mean right now. Just stop reading and go.

Ok, I'm only joking. But still.

And remember: Life of Brian clearly proved that only the mesiah would admit to mactually being the messiah threfore, HE IS the messiah (which is about as circular as The Philosophy, yet only half as funny).

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 12:03:00 PM  
Anonymous miryam said...

i am the yetzer hatov. i lead people in the right direction. c'mon, nukes. how many other ppl dont have blogger accounts and have to make up different names to sign on with?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Elster, you have not read my book. How dare you misrepresent it. By the way, skimming is not the same as reading, especially if you're stupid. What ever happened to natural selection? Shouldn't dumb Jews like you have been executed during the Holocaust, leaving only smart Jews like me? Yes, let's not learn the meaning of life; let's gather around to read the trials and tribulations of a mediocre Jewish girl. Wow. You like fur coats. I am so amazed. I will always remember this. Long live "a lot of unnecessary things to say...and other junk." I can't wait until self-absorbed Dina writes another passage in her blog, and I can't wait for self-absorbed to warn Dina about the "stalker" who spends 80% of his time peering at Brownesvillegirl through his telescope at the top of Mt. Wilson. Ain't you glad you got a friend, Dina? Friends who can save you from stalkers like I, and who can distract you from learning the meaning of your life: knowledge that is necessarily for your life and happiness? I wish I had a bunch of friends with IQ's under 100 to guide me away from a life of wisdom and self-fulfillment, and towards a life of self-absorbtion and mediocrity. Funny thing is, this "stalker" wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole because your shallowness has disgusted me that much. But even a regular Jewish girl like you can stop what you're doing and go to www.moshiak.com.

Moshiak

PS I don't give up easily. That's another "mannerism" of the Messiah.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 8:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Wait a minute. Elster may not be Jewish. Anyway, who cares? That's my opinion of Elster: someone who crossed the line by misrepresenting my book. It's enough that you people won't read it, but you don't want to meet me in person holding a sign that says "the Philosophy is good if you like circular logic." First I would tear up your sign; then I would take your skull and bash it into the ground. And if you are armed, I would shoot you first. Not a happy day for the fool who lies to others about what he knows about my book.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 9:13:00 PM  
Blogger XVI (R) - NY said...

Now... Its one thing to be an absolute a-hole (censored for precious Hunter ears) when youre unwelcome and no one cares what you have to say, and another thing entirely to be doing it while simultaneously pretending to be the holliest man that will have been born in the last 1000 years or so. I can unfortunately say that if you are indeed the messiah, I may just stick around Galus while the rest of you head off to the garden of eden.
If you want to be a crackerjack philosopher with NO actual ideas (original or not) who likes to hide behind a curtain of "I'm-publishing-next-year"nes then thats your business but who do you think you're fooling when you unbasedly define what the messiah should be according to your own want? And how much longer are you actually going to pretend that all the things that make you a s**thead are positive attributes? If you stop thinking that pissing people off is a good way to get followers... who knows? someone may actually read your BS manuscript.
Theres no room for arrogance in my moshiach. Theres no room for foul language in my moshiach. And my moshiach wont be a lecherous stalker who defends himself by saying hes on the westcoast either. I guess Judaism just didnt pan out, huh? Maybe buddhists are looking for a non-denominational, idealess moron to be their spiritual leader. You can show them where the spaceship is behind the comet. We dont care.
And if you want to attempt to defend yourself, (and I mean defend, not attack others as a defense mechanism) then feel free to email me personaly. The link is in my profile. Id hate to expose you further in public for the arrogant ass that you are.


V'ahavta L'reiacha Ka'mocha Zeh K'lal Gadol Ba'Torah. Thats MY personal philosophy and I resent you for making me have to act differently.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 9:20:00 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

It's funny. I really didn't care about what you have to say, Meshiak, at all until your last two comments. Not because you personally attacked me--that I don't care for--but because you clearly have no respect for the memories of those who were murdered either physically or spiritually or psychologically by the Nazis during the Holocaust. And as the grandchild of survivors, that's a big no-no to me.

I wouldn't censor your comments, but I'm going to have to ask you to never post here again. A genius like you probably has little or no interest in the topics I write about, so this shouldn't be a challenge for you. Just read this comment, recognize that it's the last thing you'll ever read on this blog, and quietly go. And don't come back. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

The book is already online, you ketchup freak. Again, neither humility nor arrogance are a part of my personality, but you pretend otherwise. And as for the "stalker" accusation, I wouldn't be caught dead with girl as shallow as Dina.

Dina, I don't have an interest in posting on your blog. I have an interest in defending my book and my character from you and your stupid friends. How dare you misrepresent my book, and how dare you misrepresent my attitude towards the Jews. Guess what, sweetie pies? If you Jews don't get your heads out of your asses and read my book, you can look forward to another Holocaust in the 21st Century. Dina, get over your arrogant, self-absorbed, shallow self and learn the meaning of your life...for your own sake. That is my final advice to you and your equally-shallow friends.

Moshiak

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Ian said...

Good to hear. I must tell you, your preaching technique is rather ineffective I would think, but that's for the best in the long run. In fact, one of Judaisms main appeals to me (I am converting) is that in general it lacks preaching. It is there for the taking if you want it. I digress... Your personal attacks on Dina and us (her friends) are silly, arrogant, baseless and rude. You have chosen as your mark an exceedingly genuine, down to earth, humble and brilliant girl who in no way deserves your foolishness. You would know all that in the first 5 minutes you talked to her face to face, which Baruch HaShem you will never do.

Friday, December 02, 2005 11:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

It's not good to be humble, and it's not good to be honest. No, Dina is not a brilliant girl, and you saying otherwise is nothing but an abuse of language. There are Jewish girls out there who have enough intelligence and wisdom to understand the first page of my website, or at least look at it later. As for the recurrent accusation that I am arrogant, you have no right to even propose that because you have not read my book. I am not a preacher because a preacher asserts metaphor; he is not logical in his explanation. Finally, there is a reason that the Jews don't try to convert gentiles. You can learn all of the Jewish phrases in the world, you can memorize Torah up the wazoo, you can ride the subway with a yamulke, you can even dare to marry a Jewish woman, and none of that would make you a Jew. Good day to you, Ian.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 1:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

I mean "it's not good to be arrogant." It's good to be honest. Honesty is the best policy.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 1:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Dina, you are such an NPR girl. You're all into the little things. The itty bitty things, just like the cinnamon rugelach. Who has ever heard of that? It's beauty is that it's a quaint little dish that no one has heard of. It's so girly, to dwell on the little details without analyzing them. Very much like a woman...even more like a girl. I don't see you as being a woman quite yet. You're just a girl writing in a diary. Let's make this little observation; let's make that little observation. Let's write about it and let the world see our poetic "brilliance." In fact, isn't that what blogs are for? Blogs are for the little people to feel big. Blogs are where little people can have a voice. The dumbest dum dum can set up a blog, and if it's mediocre, then all the better. You know why? Because people don't like to feel stupid. People don't like to feel small. People don't like to feel little. When a big guy with a big brain comes along with big ideas, then he makes all of the little people - especially the little girls - get "weirded out" to use your phraseology. And nobody likes to be weirded out: not in this society. Maybe two hundred years ago, the little people were more humble. They didn't mind that they were little, and they weren't afraid of mentally and intellectually superior people. In fact, the little people respected the intellectually superior people, believe it or not. I know that's hard for you to believe, but the mediocre little people once had respect for those who are above them. That's because people's philosophy was different. We live in a nihilistic society now, where genuinely stupid people can talk to the Messiah or talk about the Messiah as though he is full of shit. You know why? You know what makes his full of shit? Because he doesn't lower himself for the little people. He makes the little people feel little. That's not how I view my messiah as being. My messiah isn't honest. My messiah doesn't tell the truth. My messiah doesn't tell it exactly like it is. Rather, I view the messiah as being nice to the little people. I view the messiah as having a slight and shimmering smile just like the Lubavich Rebbe who tells us that Moshiach is Here ... Just Add In Goodness and Kindness. The messiah would have a golden smile, and he would bring kindness and love wherever he went. So if someone says to Moshiach "you are full of shit" in so many words, Moshiach is just supposed to smile and yes, "yes, I am full of shit." And when Moshiach is confronted with arrogant women who call him a stalker, he is to say "yes, dears, I am a stalker," and when he is confronted with Rugelaches who patronize him with "you sadly disappoint me," he is to say "but that is only because I am sadly disappointing." That is the mannerism of my Moshiach. He is to engage in unconditional connivance with every criticism. You criticize Moshiach, and he is to smile and nod. Just nod and smile. Don't speak contrarily, especially to the little people. Because then you make them feel little. And in this nihilistic culture, that will only get your ass kicked by Christian Bruans. We Jews don't want that. No, we don't want to make the gentiles think that we are better than they. So when a Jew comes out of the woodwork who reminds the world of the truth, he is to be quashed. That's when Aaron steps in with "you're a fraud, Mack." That's when Miryam steps in by throwing cookies at me. That's when Rugalech steps in with an exceedingly neutral "I do NOT recommend this book." Because that's when the gentiles start to envy the Jews, and no one wants that to happen. However, it is the equivalent of friendly fire, for - in the end - it is the Truth that shall set the Jews free. It's just that no one here is smart enough to see that I may very well know the Truth. You play it save: wait until the smart people comment on the book. That's the way every mediocre mind operates: wait until society says it's okay. It doesn't matter whether I played it passive or aggressive: I would've lost either way. The least I could've done was to salvage the English language by being totally honest. Whether you admit it or not, I have made the best of the situation. Now all of you are wiser because of my honesty, even that none of you have read the Philosophy.

Moshiak

Saturday, December 03, 2005 8:39:00 AM  
Anonymous moshiak said...

i wished my mother loved me.

moshiak

Saturday, December 03, 2005 10:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Oh, my mother loved me. And if my mother didn't love me, that would've been okay, too. I don't get my philosophy from people loving me. Nice try, Mr. Freud.

Not showing your face is a good strategy to guard yourself from my criticism, isn't it? That way no one can know the fool behind the curtain.

This is my last post, so if another fool - or perhaps the same fool - poses as I, you would know it. I've had my fill of Cinnamon Rugalech.

Moshiak

Saturday, December 03, 2005 11:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Ian who will apparently never be a jew said...

Wouldn't that be nice. Against my better judgement I did read your philosophy. Every word of it. I've been letting it soak for a couple days... no inspiration yet, but maybe it will come. As I'm sure you know, when Moshiak comes...er, I mean is here, gentiles are supposed to be worshiping you too... so what gives?

Monday, December 05, 2005 12:03:00 AM  

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