Thursday, December 01, 2005

Don't Smile at Me That Way

Waiting for the six train at Grand Central, I leaned over to see if it was on its way. It wasn't. I turned around to look at the people who were coming down the stairs. No one interesting. I started turning back to face the train's expected direction when I noticed a man looking at me. Six foot something good-looking man looking at me and smiling. I smiled a little back and turned my focus on the train that wasn't there.

I got bored. Thinking that perhaps checking out the people coming down the stairs would provide sufficient entertainment, I shifted my position to see the stairs. No need to look for entertainment there, though, because right next to me was Smiling Man. Smiling at me in this bizarre smiling way. His smile wasn't the kind that happens when you see something that makes you happy, it was the smile that you have after waiting 20 minutes for someone to take your picture--forced, stretched too wide, and trying to please. I smiled a little (as proper etiquette would demand of me) and looked away.

The force of his smile was too much for me to ignore and I felt the magnetic pull of his freakish smile pulling my attention back towards him. I looked at him. He shoved a smile at me and moved his head a bit so that he looked more like a little child looking for love than a grown man looking at a stranger.

I was thankful that when the train came we got on separate cars because I was beginning to feel a little weirded out.

The train shuffled its way out of Grand Central and into the dark tunnels of underground New York with me standing over the seats and hanging onto an overhead bar. There was a little boy playing with his bottle and its cover in the small space he had on the bench between his tiny shoes and father's thigh. There was a woman speaking so loudly to the man right next to her that you would think they were on opposite sides of the train...and deaf. There was a woman applying lipstick with a brush. And there was a man in the other car smiling a really freakish smile and staring straight into the car I was in and at me. Of course, at that point, I couldn't hold back my laughter.

Anyway, after I got off the train, I was walking to school and I passed this little old woman with shockingly pink lipstick and the largest, most forced-looking smile I had ever seen. And with that I conclude my theory that the city of Manhattan has been taken over by zombies one smiling freak at a time.

20 original thoughts out there

Blogger Elster said...

No one was supposed to have uncovered my smiling Zombie army this quickly! My final plans are not yet in place. I must destroy this Brownsvillegirl before it is too late. Umm, am I talking in my out-loud voice again?

Friday, December 02, 2005 9:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Ian mcpolitics said...

I think George Pataki was staring at you. Think about it, six foot something, forced smile, socially awkward...it fits

Friday, December 02, 2005 10:51:00 AM  
Anonymous moshiak said...

to you jews,

i would first like to start off by confessing that i am an idiot.

second, i don't know how to spell moshiak.

thrid, i love love love attention

fourth, i am adding a chapter to the philosophy named "randy and dina, the moshiaks... for real this time!"

fifth, christian can def. beat the crap out of me because, as everyone knows, the fastest way to a man's heart is with christian's fist!

sixth, baruch dayan emet mr. miyagi-san. Your crane kick has gotten the moshiak the gold at many karate tornements... people are like "oh shit, he is going to kick with his right leg!!!" Then i fake them out and use my left -- brilliant!

Friday, December 02, 2005 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Hehehe Elster. I'm just too smart, y'know.

It wasn't, Ian; Pataki is white.

Hi False Moshiak. I like you a lot more than the last one. :)

Friday, December 02, 2005 2:47:00 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

I just realized something!
You're a false false messiah. Which would make you...THE MESSIAH!

Actually, that's not nec. so. Just because you're not the false messiah doesn't make you THE messiah. But I thought the play on double negatives was cool. for a dork, y'know.

Friday, December 02, 2005 3:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Because I just love love love attention, I would like to direct everyone's attention to what I wrote under "I like daily show." And because I'm an idiot, I made a typo. :D

Saturday, December 03, 2005 2:02:00 AM  
Anonymous moshiak said...

and i need the internet to pick up girls.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 10:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

That's true. I do need the internet to pick up girls, but because I'm interested in Jewish girls, and there are very few Jewish girls on the streets. I would guess that you are a gentile judging by your lack of understanding.

Again, Moshiak's last post.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 11:11:00 PM  
Anonymous fed up said...

I think it'll be alot easier to have a "last post" if you just stop reading this blog altogether. it shouldn't be too hard for you anyway, considering we are all littler people than you and reading Dina's posts and our commetns just may dumb you down. Besides, she's a mediocre Jewish girl, I'm an arrogant woman and the others are either her misleading friends or gentiles who don't understand us Jews, right? Why don;t you stop sounding like a broken record and make a final goodbye?

Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

Because if you Jews don't get your heads out of your asses, you can look forward to another Holocaust. Do you understand me, arrogant woman? Or do I need to say it in Hebrew?

Sunday, December 04, 2005 4:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

GOOD BYE.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 4:39:00 AM  
Anonymous christian gaun said...

ding dong the dick is dead.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger Elster said...

Moshiak, please don't leave. You are the funniest person who ever lived.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger XVI (R) - NY said...

THATS IT!!! Hes saving the world through humor. He believes the world is a sad, humorless place and the way to rejuvenate the human mind and heart, thus heralding in the golden age of judaism is through laughter. Moshiak my good man. I, on behalf of all the jews, remove my proverbial head from my proverbial ass to thank you. There is no need to say it in hebrew. I get it now. He's playing that semi-typical TV/movie character, you know? The imperialistic A-hole that NOBODY likes but thinks he knows everything, and usualy has funny pranks played on him? Im thinking of the Captain Harris charater from Police Academy specificaly, but I'm sure there are others like it. And granted its a bit used, but hey... Anyway, good job Moshiak. Keep up the good work!


NO... im kidding. You can still go to hell.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Elster, you know how Shabbos afternoon games (like tent and jump off the couch onto the floor and whoever bleeds first wins) are always a blast and don't end until someone's crying?

Anyway, he was funny until he mentioned how the Holocaust was caused by the Jews. Anyone that delusional is neither funny nor asked to comment here. Carry on. :)

Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

I didn't say that the Holocaust was caused by the Jews you infinitely confused girl. Quote me where I say that the Holocaust was caused by the Jews.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 6:32:00 PM  
Blogger The Nucular Jew said...

"Because if you Jews don't get your heads out of your asses, you can look forward to another Holocaust."

I don't know, that was pretty straight forward moshiak!

Anyway, I'm with whoever said this guy his bringing the world to a better place through humour, this guy is hilarious.

Although, not as funny as Mel Brooks' take on the Inquisition, now THAT was funny stuff.

Also, does anyone else notice this guys way of trying to sound smarter than us? He inserts adjectives that people wouldn't normally use. Example, "infinitely confused girl". It sounds well smart because no one uses that kind of language.

I should be a detective or something, I just come up with these ideas on the spot!

Sunday, December 04, 2005 9:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

You want to know whether or not I'm smarter than you, Nuclear Jew? Read my book. www.moshiak.com.

Oh, and that statement absolutely does not mean that the Jews started the Holocaust.

Ketchup freak. I'll be at the wedding: if not in body, then in spirit. Just don't confuse the bottle of ketchup for a bottle of milk: your babies may not live for long.

Moshiak

Sunday, December 04, 2005 9:57:00 PM  
Blogger The Nucular Jew said...

Dude, it's nucular jew!!! It's a little joke running around the Hillel with my friends... ya know what friends are, right?

And as for seeing who's smarter, clearly i'm smarter. I mean, come on, who else can come up with cage-match rabbi-battles?

You know I'm smarter than you, but it's ok, we can get through it together!

Love always,

Monday, December 05, 2005 1:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Moshiak said...

My apologies for misspelling your name, Nucular Jew. I would bet that Fahrenheit 9-11 inspired you in that decision.

And yes, I know what friends are. But I understand what you're saying: if you don't have friends, you're nothing. In fact, your virtue as a person is almost measured by how many friends you have. If you are a loner, than that means that you are nothing; if you have five friends, then that means that you are worth five tokens of virtue. In fact, I explain the theory in the lectures.

Moshiak

Monday, December 05, 2005 3:54:00 AM  

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