It's Really Useful for Opening Cans...And Stuff

Miryam sent me a link to a Nicole Richie gallery on People Magazine's website. Now, I have to tell you, I don't really have an opinion of her and I don't really care what she does with her life. What I can't stand, though, is the glorification of her the magazines all have now that she's lost weight. So, dissatisfied with the comments People Magazine wrote alongside the pictures I've chosen to take from them, I am writing my own. Ready? Set? GO!

The Nicole Richie Diet: Gain Years, Not Pounds!
Thought the two were mutually exclusive, didn't you? Well, as tested by Nicole Richie, we can tell you "they are not" with confidence! Just look at the poor girl...as the pounds melted away, the years came piling on and on.

The Nicole Richie Way to Make Sure You Never Blush: Foundation!
Lots of it, and in the wrong color. Of course, if you make sure to purchase one in a color just three shades lighter than your own, you won't have to apply so many layers. But still.

If you thought this would be all Nicole, all the time, I'm going to tell you that for this picture, my focus is elsewhere. Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan is clearly not anorexic. Every anorexic girl KNOWS the rules about friends. When you hang out with friends for the sake of hanging with friends, they must be fatter than you so that you look thinner. Your thinner friends are to be reserved for hanging outs at home, so that your parents don't pick up on your illy-looking physique. And Lindsay has clearly violated that. LL, take a hint from Paris.

People's caption reads:
Then: Richie didn't say no to junk food, including hot dogs, after a late night of clubbing (in 2003).
Now: The star (in Beverly Hills in July) is strict about her diet: She avoids sweets ("I don't like sugar," Richie says) though she still indulges in her favorite foods – sushi and pizza – occasionally.
My caption would add:
And by "occasionally" we mean "on the occasion that she actually eats something, it'd be pizza or sushi followed by 47 laxatives because 47 is her lucky number...the numerical value of her fiance's Hebrew name." (I just made that up...his name's Adam.)

And now, because I was just being mean, I will say something nice. Nicole in the first picture was in deep trouble with the law for some things plus Heroin posession. In the second, she's at a charity event. Call it PR or not, if you're holding a kid in a picture, I like you.

Okay, and now back to being mean :), here's a Miryam quote, "The way her elbow comes to a complete point is pretty cool. It's really useful for like opening boxes and stuff."