Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Way It Went Down, It Always Is

There's this new song by Beck I hear on the radio all the time that goes, "I think I'm in love but it makes me kinda nervous to say so." It took a couple of hearings of the song for me realize what about it bugged me. It's completely and totally inarticulate. At first I thought that the artist's inability to state his feelings was annoying because as a song, the lyrics should stand out strong and stately. How many times do professors warn that no essay should include, "I think, I feel, I believe" because since you're the writer, the reader's taking that as a given? Isn't it the same for a song?
But then I listened to the song more and realized that that wasn't what bothered me. Beck isn't inarticulate. The song is just a mirror of our passive-aggressive society where people "think" they're in love and others get "kinda nervous" but no one stands up to use the right verbs at the right time.
Last winter, after a memorably terrible week, I drove up my driveway and parked at the top instead of pulling into the garage. I couldn't pull into the garage because there was a block of ice so large and so thick that my car couldn't manage to drive over it. It took a while, but I hacked the driveway free of ice and felt shockingly and refreshingly better. Sometimes, you just have to admit to being angry, accept that you feel cheated, or know that you're in love.
I know that "kinda nervous" and "nervous" don't seem all that different and that's why I am bringing you lines from another song that has "conscous versus" so that you can see the difference.
Some time ago I did something I wasn't happy doing or proud of having done. And I was bothered that I could do something so mean and hurtful, but I wasn't shocked; I was worried. I've done similarly hurtful things in the past and started to wonder if it's better to walk around being who I am and hurting people I start to care for or change into being someone I've seen in others and know I don't ever want to be. And then, while listening to my new SOJA darlings, I realized that they articulated my worries for me the way I wish I could, the way I think I mean to.
Baby, I'm sorry
For what ever it was I always did
The way it went down, it always is
The way that I am makes it all my fault, yeah
Baby, I'm sorry
For what ever it was I always did
The way it went down, it always is
The way that I am makes it all my fault
Though if I could change
Who I am right now
I wouldn't do it no, no
And if I could make
All my past be gone
I wouldn't change a thing, no
'Cause when we first met
All you wanted was me, yeah.

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