I'm Not a Size 0.

The other day, I walked into my room after coming home from school and noticed a very pretty silverish skirt on my bed. I felt certain that it was from Banana Republic, so I wanted to check the label to see if I was right. Lo and behold, the label did say "Banana Republic." But it also said size "0." Putting it back down on my bed, I realized that my mother must have purchased it for my sister earlier that day and that she must've not liked it and subsequently given it to me in case I would.

I looked at the skirt. It was flarey and knee-length and really pretty...but it was a 0. The thought of trying it on occurred to me, but I had two fears with regard to that: Either it wouldn't fit and I'd feel depressed because my stupid hips can't fit into a 0 or it would fit and I'd feel depressed that I can actually fit into a 0.

Earlier this week, the 6 train sped away from 59th street toward 68th and I turned to face the door in preparation to get off. I looked at my reflection in the dark door and noticed very messy hair, big circles under my eyes, and hips. I had a memory of a time in 10th grade when I took the train downtown with a friend to sleep over at her house. I was wearing a button-down, collar shirt as per school rules and a long black skirt as per school rules as well. There were at least two inches of skirt on the floor of the train surrounding my shoes.
"Your skirt's too long, why did you buy it?" my friend said.
"Oh, it's not too long, I'm just wearing flat shoes."
"Okay, but it's dragging on the floor."
"It wasn't when I bought it. It just sits lower on my hips now."
"Whatever. We're transferring to the F next stop, get ready."
I looked from my friend to an ad above her head and smiled a little to myself. I had no hips to hold it up and that was fine with me.

My body turned very curvy when I was fairly young. I liked it at first, but upon coming to the realization that guys my age (and even a little older) preferred girls who looked more like girls than women, I started to hate looking like a woman. My goal became to flatten my chest and I was going to do everything in my power to make it happen. Everything in my power included going to the gym everyday, eating as little as necessary to have enough energy to work out, and doing yoga at home. My chest hasn't been flat since I was eleven, but I did get close to my goal.

Someone jabbed into me on the subway and I realized that my mind was reverting back to what I can positively identify as "pathetic." I have hips now and that's good. I'm 20, not 12. I'm a woman, not a girl.

I picked the skirt off of my bed and went to my mother's room. After being admitted, I put the skirt down on her bed and said, "it's a 0. I won't even try it on because I have hips and honestly, I'd be ashamed to fit into a 0 because I have a woman's body." She laughed at the way I said it (which I'll admit, was not without humor) and I laughed with her. Then I walked out of her room and went into mine to do yoga.

And wow, this is the absolute most personal thing I've ever written for public reading.