Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Tomorrow I'm Bringing Pumpernickel

This past Shabbos, someone at shul (someone's guest) told me to write up a "shidduch bio." I pretended that I didn't know what it was and acted like she was gracing me with a brilliant new concept. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe not even thanks. It was funny, though, when she told my mother that she was telling me how to market myself because, and I quote, "every boy needs a secretary and every girl needs PR," and my mother responded that you can see I market myself which she later told me meant that I don't hide away at home but go out and meet new people but sounded to me at the time like I sashay around calling attention to myself.
Today an elderly man sat next to me in the park and told me, when I got off my phone, how other countries are more technologically advanced than the US. He and his wife were visiting from Dallas and they were going to have lunch around the corner with their son who's a stock broker. I don't know why he sat next to me when his wife was on the benches diagonally across from us and out of earshot. At least he went to get her and they walked holding onto each other.
Someone used my credit card on Friday for a purchase of $74 and I can't recall spending that much anywhere on Friday.
I got a craving for falafel so I went to the pita place around the corner from the lot I had my car in. The guy asked me if I go to NYU. After allowing the compliment of how young looking I am pass, I told him I work in the area.
"Are you the girl who called yesterday?"
"No...but I thought about calling."
"You know, we deliver for free."
"$3 orders?"
They're a shwarma place, so I'd never spend more than the price of a falafel. He asked if there are a lot of Jews in my office and when I answered that there aren't, he told me that if I call and order and the guy's going in my direction he can drop it off on the way.
Then I ate a falafel in my car while navigating rush hour traffic. Some days are just like that.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Oh Nothing, Just Boondoggling

The word of the day is boondoggle. I encourage you to look it up yourselves if you doubt that it's a real word. When used as a noun, it means work of little or no value done merely to keep you busy or looking busy. It has a few other meanings as a noun and it can be used as a verb.
In other news, boondoggle has just been nominated to join the list of my favorite words. As of now, there are only three words with such an honor (pumpernickel, gubernatorial, and lederhosen). Lest you begin to think that every time I hear an awesome word it gets nominated, I am here to tell you otherwise. Last week I learned the word "thimblerigger" and while totally and completely awesome, it did not get a nomination. If forced to tell someone my top five favorite words, it might make number five, but otherwise, it is not voluntarily on my list. Say it five times, "thimblerigger, thimblerigger, thimblerigger, thimblerigger, thimblerigger" and now say boondoggle five times, "boondoggle, boondoggle, boondoggle, boondoggle, boondoggle." You weren't supposed to say them fast so if you did go back and say them carefully. Note the difference in quality of sound. Thimblerigger starts out with a sound rough enough to force your tongue into accidentally tripping over the rest of the sounds until the first r and the igger at the end gets swallowed so that you can just finish saying the word. Boondoggle, on the other hand, takes its time swirling around your mouth from b to e and ends up calming you with its smoothness. Even "boondoggling" sounds incredible. Plus, it is something any procrastinator/lazy person should be familiar with. Familiar--I never liked how that word sounds.


Friday, May 18, 2007

Your Advice was Good, But Jan's...

So far today, I've gotten over 600 hits from people searching for Creed's blog. Sorry for confusing you, I just thought it was hilarious enough to title a post that even though it had nothing to do with The Offive, which is what we call The Office ever since "Traveling Salesmen" (Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.). Anyway, my point is to direct you to Creed's REAL blog: Creed Thoughts. And in case you haven't seen it yet, here's Dwight's blog: Schrute-Space. Feel free to post any other awesome Offive-related blogs in the comments section.

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Backslash vs. Forwardslash

For the record, and because so many people have been coming here for creedthoughts, he does say, "http://www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts" and writes, "http://www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts".
Just thought I'd let you know. I'm also pretty sure he says, "http://www.creedthoughts.gov.www.\creedthoughts" but I'll have to watch through it again. Anyone else notice that?

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

From the Desk of Dina M. P., Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin--Scranton Branch

I'm going to say a few more things and you're going to hear me out because that's why you read my blog.
1. For an entire year I worked at an offive where I was the only female in a group of 50 Russian alpha males. Sometimes funny things happened. Sometimes awkward things happened. Sometimes ridiculous things happened. But I didn't write a single post about the place because I was always afraid that one day I'd apply for a job and they'd tell me I'm not wanted because I blog about my offive. And so, I'm informing the public that I want to be appreciated for something I did not do and look forward to being rewarded at some point in the future.
2. It's 11:38 and I'm shocked that I'm still awake...which more or less rhymes. Eight, awake. Like I said, more or less.
3. Today I wasted a stupid amount of time walking to the wrong side of the building that hosts one of the only kosher cafes in the area where I work only to find out that I had to enter the building on another street. When I went inside I was informed that the kitchen was running late and that they didn't know if that meant 30 minutes or an hour, so I left. All that combined took about 20 minutes of my lunch because I was in the mood to wear heels today and walking to the middle of a street, continuing around so that you can go to the middle of the next street, walking through that building that is located in the middle of the middle of those two streets, and then walking back from the wrong entrance to where you came from takes a long time in spiky heels.
4. A while back I made a new banner which you can see if you click here. When I tried pasting it into the html for this page, it didn't work. I don't know why it didn't work. The image, as you can plainly see, is available at the link I put in and since the image I removed was actually removed, I clearly knew where to paste the url. At first I was disappointed in the missing banner, but now I realized I can check my blog from work and not have people far and wide seeing what site I'm on. Not that I've actually checked it more than once this week. I get lazy like that.

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I have a few things to say, so I'm going to start here. Thimblerigger is one of the awesomest words ever. Thimblerigger. It takes a while to get properly, but it's worth it. I thought it was a nonsense word made up to call people when you want to sound angry, but it's actually a word. I'm going to use it instead of doofus. It sounds more old-fashioned. Furthermore, a cyclist almost ran me over the other day. True story. In other news, someone waved vigorously at me today and said, "hi gorgeous." That's right, waved. I did not know him.

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

I Fainted

On Friday, I had a syncopal episode at Starbucks and made a clear 90* fall backwards from where I was standing onto the floor. They called 911 and first a policeman came and then an FDNY EMT came and then the paramedics came. It was the most dramatic experience of my life. When I came to, I told the barista who was hitting my cheeks that I was nauseated and she kept saying, "she's nauseous" so that someone would get a bag and I kept thinking, "I said nauseated." Anyway, the paramedics strapped me into a rolling chair thing and brought me out to the ambulance where I wasn't doing much better. In the ambulance, I couldn't stop shaking so they covered me with a blanket and because I was still nauseated and dizzy, they put an oxygen mask on. By the time we got to the hospital, I was wheeled in on a stretcher with an oxygen mask while shaking uncontrollably. Did I mention it was the most dramatic experience of my life? We went to Beth Israel and when the nurse in the emergency room asked if I had ever been a patient there, I said, "I think I was born here." He replied, "Oh, maybe you'll get a discount." It took four tries for the nurse to get a clear EKG because I couldn't stop shaking and she was trying not to get frustrated with me. It was nice. When she was done, I was starting to get better so I called my mother but she didn't pick up. I called my father and left a voicemail. Then I tried my mother again. She answered and said, "What's the emergency--I'm at the dentist?" I didn't know that while she was there she missed five calls and had a voicemail that kept beeping, so I said, "I'm at the hospital." She said, "you win." All the tests came back fine and I didn't have time before Shabbos for a CT Scan but I probably suffered a minor concussion and that's why I didn't come back from lunch break.

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Freckles are Coming! The Freckles are Coming!

Yesterday when I stood in the grocery store aisle debating over whether to purchase a regular moisturizer with low sunscreen or a night moisturizer with no sunscreen, I reminded myself that in the summer I use sunblock as a moisturizer during the day anyway and besides, I still had half a bottle of the same low sunscreen moisturizer at home. Obviously, I needed the night moisturizer (technically, I don't, but I think I'm supposed to start moisturizing my face more to keep it youthful). So this morning when my already broken low sunscreen moisturizer bottle broke even more, I was left with no choice but to slather the right side of my face with my new night moisturizer. It was that or search my room for 10 precious morning minutes for a potential sunblock find. And just as the bread always falls on the buttered side, the sun was hitting me hardest from my right all day.

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Yay Hooray for Spring

I was lying on my stomach in Bryant Park when I noticed something moving to my right. Turning my head, I saw an adorable toddler with curly hair crouching next to my face as if to take a closer look. I took out one of my earphones and said, "hi!"
"Aaaahaha!" he said while jumping back up.
He ran away and his father and I laughed.

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Friday, May 04, 2007

I Accept Your Pity

I walked into the body shop and waited for the car guy to put down the phone. He looked at me and I grimaced.
"My car's smashed up," was all I said.
"The '04 Maxima?"
I didn't even tell him my name or what car I had because he's seen me so many times it's unnecessary to do so. Classic.

And have a wonderful Shabbos.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Gettin' and Jettin'

This not working thing is making my brain soft. Last week I lost my wallet. Yesterday I was running late and stressing out about my piano lesson. Today I couldn't find my keys which were already in my bag the whole time. And in addition to all this, I keep buying clothing. I don't know how the unemployed do it, but if I don't start working again soon my brain is going to rot.

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