Thursday, June 30, 2005

Quote of the Day

Someone Called to Sing Me the German Song He Memorized in Under 24 Hours...
"...99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man für Ufos aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General..."


Last night, a friend said, "goodnight spanky" as I was signing offline. It suddenly hit me that that was something I had heard before on tv. Convinced that Doug used to say, "goodnight Spanky" to his dog, I went on a googlexpedition to find the theme song for Doug.

Doug's dog was Porkchop. Then I realized I was wrong, I was thinking of "goodnight Sparky." The only thing was, I couldn't place it. Another googlexpedition later, and I realized that there was a little something on Sesame Street that went like this...

The mother and father put Gerald to bed and they each say "goodnight Gerald" and then to the dog, "goodnight Sparky" and it goes on and on because this and that happens and anyway, that's what it was from. However, until I figured that out, I came upon this really cool website (linked in my post below) where you can play a bunch of old tv show theme songs and such. It scared me a little that I was able to sing along to a bunch of them, so I thought it would be a little fun to test your knowledge.

Here are tidbits from various songs most of us grew up with, if you can correctly attribute all of them, I will give you a kiss. :)

  1. "When your room looks kinda weird and you wish that you weren't the-re
    Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be anywhe-re"

  2. "Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines
    Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude"

  3. "There's something weird and it don't look good,
    Who you gonna call?"

  4. "There is more to life than what you're living,
    So take a chance and face the wind"

  5. "Watch out cause here we come
    It's been a while, but we're back in style"

  6. "The power is yours!"

  7. "doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo" (hint: Quailman)

  8. "We might solve a mystery or rewrite history"

  9. "Dashing and daring, courageous and caring,
    Faithful and friendly, with stories to share
    All through the forest they sing out in chorus
    Marching along as their song fills the air..."
Yeah, some are easy and some aren' of luck!
In 12th grade, we had a contest on the board to see who could draw the best Patty Mayonnaise.

Goodnight, Sparky

Turn your speakers up waaaaaaay loud and click this link for one of the best songs ever!

Update: The link I gave you only takes you to the main page of the website, but I wanted it to open on the theme song for Doug! But it's a cool site anyway...

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Quote of the Day

Best Text Message I've Ever Gotten... (And Randy sends some great ones, so there really is honor to this!)
"So I'm in the bathroom and the seat slides off and I fall into the bathtub. Meanwhile I'm singing 'My Heart Will Go On.'"

Quote of the Month: Winners!

I am proud to announce this month's winners of...

Quote of the Month!
In First Place...
"Do you sometimes feel like driving is 75% fate?"
In Second Place...
"You know what they should bring back? Foot binding. Now, there's a great trend."
And Tied for Third Place...
"They both eat anything you throw at them and smell funny."
(Upon Hearing that He was awarded 'The Punk of Misused Big Words') "I'm abrogated!!!"
The Award for Most Misunderstood Goes To...
"You can look at it like this: that's Randy 1 Dina 0. ...Or, Randy 33 Dina 32."
The Award for Best Answer to, "In 50 words or less, please tell me why Cookies and Cream is the best ice cream flavor" goes to...
"oh oh oh because cookies and milk ice cream is the perfect emergency contraception."
The Award for the Most Thought-Through Response goes to...
Someone from New York
"Because it is much like your average midwestern ethnic breakdown: vast whiteness dotted with dark bits. Not to say the dark bits are bad and vast whiteness is good. On the contrary, the dark bits are the tastiest parts, the rest is just plain and boring. This is smuch like ethnic breakdowns."
(what the...?)
Congratulations to all our participants!

My Hidden Talent: Revealed!

I used to watch with envy while people would twist their arms all the way around, play intense songs using spoons, or imitate teachers really well during talent shows at camp. I just had no talent that was talent-show-worthy. Sure, I can do a really good backbend, but that's not tznius for a talent show. I can bake really well, but that too is just not entertaining enough for a talent show.

And so, it is with great pride and happiness that I will unveil my hidden talent... I can make my eye squeak! That's right, folks, I sure can. Up until this week, I thought squeaky eyes were something of a norm in society. But now that I know it's something special to me and maybe a few other people, I will be showcasing this talent everywhere!

Step aside arm-twisters, my eyes are so gonna rock you!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Message of the Day

Today we're doing something a little different. I do not have a quote of the day because the only quote-worthy thing said today was said by my prof. and I've been warned against using a prof.'s quote. However, I do have a message of the day (this is just a one time thing)...

"Since we all know how dedicated to the proposition of pregnancy Dina is, it constantly surprises me that she does not spend more time trying to attract the attention of non-Jews. Perhaps we who know and love her should hold a raffle for the Hunter goy community and see if we can't just wrangle up some tall, dark, curly-locked, twin gene endowed manwhore, or at least a decent date. After all, getting to the point where you admit you are otd is half the battle."

Nice try, babe. :)

Wishlist for the Loving

To all those who're interested in purchasing a surprise gift for me, I've decided to be gracious and compile a wishlist to make your lives easier.

Item Number One:

(A must have!)

Item Number Two:

(While I don't actually have a geek to call my own, if you buy me this tee I'll be sure to adopt one!)

Item Number Three:

(I really have no need to say anything here to convince anyone, correct?)

Monday, June 27, 2005

Quote of the Day

A Sign Someone's Truly Grasping at Straws
"If I were to make a shidduch between Doni and a cable guy..."

Gematria Calculator

Randy pointed this Gematria calculator out to me and it's really fun! I used to sit in class figuring out the gematrias to all my crushes' names and how they would equal mine (+ahava? -613?) because as we all know, I have the coolest gematrias.
Dina = 69
Michal = 100

My Day

My brother and I bonded over smoothies today.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Quote of the Day

Reason Number ? for Why He Hates My Mom (his mother's interior designer)
"If your mother started a cult, my mother would join."

We're Married Unmarrieds

The suggested donation for my high school's Alumnae Brunch was $100 to benefit the library. $100 is a very nice suggestion, but most of us are unemployed college students. I decided I'd give $25, and Mir thought the same.

At some point on the FDR, Miryam realized that (a) she left her envelope at home and (b) she only had a fifty. Needless to say, I gave her my twenty-five and we put her fifty into the envelope I'd brought.

There was one time when we almost bought a movie together at Blockbuster. Then we remembered that we don't, in fact, live together. That's us--the most married unmarried two we know.

Quote of the Month

Moishele's leaving for Israel on Monday, and as voting on Quote of the Month is looked forward to with as much excitement as it is, I felt compelled to make the competition start now.
So go vote on which quotes you think deserve the title of...

Friday, June 24, 2005

Quotes of the Day

On How To Become Anti-Social
"Seriously, who would want to make small talk with the freak that [sic] doesn't swing his arms?"

On Life in a Suburb
"Gross! A bug just fell out of my hair. I hate summer!!!"

Adventures in English 218 (I think that's our number)

In class yesterday, we were analyzing a pretty strange story. We came to the part when the father proposes to the mother. Basically, he's talking about his business and then finds that he just asked her to marry him. He is still confused over how he got to the question when she starts sobbing. She says, "this is all I wanted since the moment I met you." In other words, she just did what she was "supposed" to do in that social situation and he was just...totally out of it. Part of the discussion we had was that this was probably not the setting for or way in which she dreamed of getting engaged.

Before looking back at my paper to read on, I glanced at my professor. He looked me in the eye and began to sing, "some people wait a life time for a moment..." it could be that he completed the line. I wouldn't know--I was laughing too hard.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Quotes of the Day

He Thinks He's Ahead!
"You can look at it like this: that's Randy 1 Dina 0. ...Or, Randy 33 Dina 32."

Of Babies and Goats
"They both eat anything you throw at them and smell funny."
-My Not Ready to Be a Father Friend

Math Just Ain't My Thing...

I would like to state for the record that too much math

is hazardous--as proven by my absent-minded inability to function properly enough to realize that for close to ten minutes I was wearing two different shoes...

And Here's My Proof

Behold, the halo of truth:

For those of you who find it difficult to decipher that picture, allow me to explain. This is a tree in a park about five seconds from my house. There is a message carved into the tree that reads:
A little freaky, I know. Years and years ago, some kid (named Simcha) carved that into the tree as undying testimony to the fact that I'm crazy. So there, Donso, I am more baby crazy than you and I even have a tree to prove it!


My beautiful BatTzion and baby Yehuda came to visit me today. As in, I love babies and subsequently want to have one. Now.

So really, any smart, tall guys with dark curly hair and twins in your genes (yes, that's a must), I'm here and I'm baby-making-wanting.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Quotes of the Day

From the Love of My Life...
"Look: you're gonna get married in the next couple of years; I gotta relieve some of the sexual tension between us the best I can as fast as I can."

Possible Reasons for Unemployment (just sayin'...)
"My resume would be like: ate a lot of food."

Math, Oh How I Hate Thee

I have a tendency to solve problems using my own, made-up formulas and ending up with the correct answers.
Something tells me I'm in the wrong major.

:) Dyscalculia, I tell you!

Try This One, Freud

I dreamt last night that we were staying at a hotel. My little brother Joshy, some other little kids, and apparently my parents stayed in one room. I was in the other with the older kids, but I don't remember who they were. All the beds were narrow with white sheets.

I was staring out the window, practically hanging out, looking at the city from the hotel. Of course this is impossible, but I was staring at roofs. One was copper (so it was green now). Across the way, I noticed that there was a roof with a wall and then two buildings touching it to create two other walls, and people on cots like our hotel ones on the ground there. There were even windows in the only wall. Also, there were more beds (mind you, every bed was occupied by a person--some sleeping, some sitting up) up the sides of the other buildings. In my dream I wondered how those people got down.

I noticed I had a few things on the windowsill, and I didn't want them falling, so as I was moving them (the only thing I remember was a stack of cards? baseball cards?) my earring fell out. It had two huge pink pearls set into a gold setting. I quickly ran to the elevators (weird stuff going on in the hall), and went outside. I had watched where the earring landed from my like 18th floor hotel room (only in dreams...) so I went straight over to this parked black car, and got the pearls and setting, which had broken apart on impact, from behind the right rear wheel.

There were old men standing about that car, maybe some were playing chess (that is the ONLY reference to something that happened in my day that I recognize) and they kibbutzed with me for a bit. Why, when I walked back into this very cream color and gold hotel, was I carrying a bundle that included a bra?

The hotel had two different rooms for elevators. One was like floors 1-10, the other 11-20 or something. I went into the lower numbers room, but at the time, I wasn't sure which room it was. Blond Woman comes up behind me, "oh wow--what are the chances I recognize you? Did you ever decide--did you end up going to Hunter?" I had absolutely no idea who this woman was.
"Oh, um, I do go to Hunter."
"Oh, so that's what Debbie was telling me."
My brain clicked with the Debbie--she was my around the corner neighbor's sister. For some reason, my brother's friend (also Debbie's son) came to take my hand and in my dream I wondered why he looked different than usual. It was like his facial features had moved around (nothing drastic, just eyes farther apart than usual...). The elevator door opened and I realized it was for the lower floors, so I left them. While walking away, I wondered if I should have explained that the camisole I was wearing was not because I'd gone otd (hehe) but because I ran downstairs in my pajamas to get my earring. But then, holding the bra was an embarrassment enough.

Back on my floor, there was such weird things going on in the hallway that I fear for my own sanity to rely any of them, lest you all think I'm psycho and I start to think that I'm going crazy. So I went into my brother's room and for some reason, there were only little bodies sleeping under the sheets. I didn't see my parents and the room was dark except for the light coming in from the bathroom. So I went back through the hall and into my bedroom.

It was at that point that our lawnmower men were cutting the grass directly under my very open windows. And so that is all I have.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Quote of the Day

On Keeping Oneself Occupied
"It's been a while since I got drunk and went streaking."

I'll Eat

Last night, a friend of mine posed the question, "if you could be fat with a pretty face or hot with an ugly face, which would you choose?"

"Hot with an ugly face, duh," I said.

This kind of question reminds me of one my father used to ask me when I was very young. He'd say, "would you rather marry a fat, rich man or a good-lookingly thin poor man?"*

And always, my answer would be, "the rich fat man who can always lose weight. And even if he can't lose weight, he's rich."**

Lest you start thinking I'm shallow, allow me to explain. One who is rich (provided that his parents didn't just hand money to him) became that way through various possible factors. Rich could mean he's smart, business-savvy, capable, or other things. One who is good-lookingly thin spends time to look good. That is all the information I was given and it tells me nothing. Therefore, all I know for certain is that the fat guy has some attractive traits. Mr. Good-looking might be a boorish man and I don't know. So, I go with certainty.

Likewise, the phrase, "a fat but pretty girl" tells me nothing about the girl's character. The phrase, "an ugly girl with a hot body" tells me nothing either. But at least I'd be hot.

I was thinking about this because last night, when Mir and I got to our friend Ariella's engagement party, it was 9:30 and practically none of the food on the women's side had been touched. The better for us, of course, cause we were hungry. I had a sliver of a chocolate mocha cake, a bite-size strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate cake, some hot blueberry pie (eh), and lots and lots and lots of hot apple pie (whoa!). And of course I had more food the rest of the night--that was only trip one to the really nice food table.

While Mir and I were looking at the really good-looking foods and discussing which we'd have (Mir and I use one plate and two forks at a time because we're married), a woman came up to us to take a picture. I felt compelled to hide my plate behind Miryam's back because it was empty. I didn't want to look like a fatso.

After spreading the word that anyone not trying the hot apple pie was a fool, I saw some of my friends having some. But for the most part, I ate the most at the party. Except maybe Shira, but she gets most of the food around her mouth or on her hands, so she only gets points for effort.

So I love food and that's that.

*Why did I not put a comma between "good-lookingly thin" and "poor" but I did between "fat" and "rich?" Please note that this is not a bonus question, this is serious. Was I supposed to put a comma there? I feel like it doesn't belong and everyone knows the comma rule is when in doubt--take it out!
**And now I'm leaving out a comma that rightfully belongs between the "rich" and "fat" of the sentence!!! My grammar is kaput! I don't even know what to do! Man, if I were home, I'd be looking through at least one of my four grammar books... (That's right, I said four grammar books proudly.)

Monday, June 20, 2005

Quote of the Day

Why I'm Never Driving In With Mir Again, Part Two
"Oh, this is a fun ramp. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee."

What I See in My Backyard

Groundhogs are really cute looking. I saw one today. It came up to me while I was doing some work out in my backyard and it looks like a porcupine without pricklies. Unfortunately, it was just a tad too unafraid of me for my comfort (rabies, anyone?) so I shouted and it ran away. Oh, how I love the suburbs.

I Am Not a Fat Pain in the Bleep!

Esther blogged about the Starbucks Oracle and it is really funny.

Apparently, this is what the Starbucks Oracle has to say about me:
Behold the Oracle's wisdom:
Personality type:
You're always worrying about your weight. That's because you're fat. You're constantly whining about problems that are your own fault. You are a total pain in the ass.
Also drinks: Diet RC Cola
Can also be found: On Jerry Springer

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Quote of the Day

On Starving Oneself
"That's sooooooo 2 years ago."

I Could Just Cry

A friend of mine is working on a farm this summer. He asked me how I'm spending my summer.

"Oh, y'know, taking summer classes and attending engagement parties and weddings of high school friends," I said.

I spent today shopping for a skirt for my friend Ariella's engagement party and an outfit for my high school alumnae brunch. I came home and laid my Stepford findings out for my mom. She liked; they were hung in my closet.

Must. Get. Job.

Total Nerd

I am such a nerd that Friday night I started reading Strunk and White's The Elements of Style again. I think I need to brush up on my grammar; I feel it slipping away. For example, I had no idea that when using "one of..." as the subject, the verb is written in plural. Who knew that the sentence is "one of the girls will have to wear red" and not, "one of the girls has to wear red?"

I felt the need to remind myself of the basics when I saw a flyer at Hunter reading:
Spell-check is not enough!
Improve your writing skills now!
Writing Tutor/Style Coach available
And then, farther down the page, is the sentence: Hunter College English graduate with honors and prize-winning writer.
I promise, I do not make these things up. As a matter of fact, I don't even know how to make stuff like this up!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Quotes of the Day

I Have No Words...
"I give no vaginal support."

Upon Finding Out that Little Miss Muffet Sat On A Tuffet and Not Her Tuffet
"So now if I tell girls they have a nice tuffet, they will probably think I am a gardener or something."

(Sorry, I forgot to put these up before Shabbat.)

Green and White

Okay, I've cropped the life out of this picture so that no one can make "your boobs are kissing!" comments.

That's a shot of Mir on the left and me on the right totally matching each other! Too cool for words, I know.

I was a little out of things this morning cause Mir told me I looked like a Jewish mommy since my top had buttons down the front

and pockets, too.

I said to Doni, "do I look like a mother?" His response: "I won. Just admit it, I want to have a baby more!" It was really funny! ...Especially because we all know who really won the fake contest. Just like we all know who the Staring Contest Champ is.

Tina's Groove

One of my favorite comic strips has gone frum...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Quote of the Day

How to Tell That a Guy's Not for You
"That first date I went on said, 'z100 has some really good djs.' And I said, 'cool.'"

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Quotes of the Day

In Defense of His New Name, Emeagwali Igbo-Agbo
"I just made it up. I'm good at making up fake ethnic names"

The Number One Reason Mir and I are Never Driving in Together Again
"Do you sometimes feel like driving is 75% fate?"

Long Skirts and Longing for Something Else

While taking a walk with my father the other day, he asked me if I noticed the article in the New York Times about longs skirt seen around Times Square. That article was in the paper about a month ago, I told him. But he denied my accusation that he was behind the times by telling me that it was in the paper that morning. And indeed, it was.
It seems that the New York Times has an article about long skirts being fashionable at least once a week now. What each article has in common is that the women interviewed feel feminine and good about themselves. What none of the articles have is an opinion from a woman who always wears long skirts--whether they’re fashionable or not. What they’re all missing is the opinion of someone like me.
As an Orthodox Jewess, I don’t wear pants. Not only that, but all my skirts cover my knees (more or less). The fact that skirts are in vogue is ironically not a blessing for me. All it means is that come next season, I’ll look passé. While I used to think I looked like I had my own stylish opinion about things, now I think I just look…typical.
The reason for my covering up is modesty and modesty doesn’t only apply to the lower regions of the body. I tend to wear tops with about as much coverage as long skirts offer as well. I just can’t find a single shirt that covers anything more than either a belly or a shoulder. To offset the modesty of these long, stylish skirts in stores today are a series of halters, tube tops, and “camis.” To offset my own dissatisfaction with the lack of wearable tops offered me this season, I have seasons-old, three-quarter sleeve sweaters and button-down shirts.
Oh, I’d try convincing you of how very cool it looks to wear stiff button-down shirts with free-flowing skirts, but it’d be too obvious a lie. Besides, at least my combo isn’t the typical.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Steve's Hilarious!

How many people can brag that all their friends know their bra size? Better yet, how many people can brag that even strangers know their bra size??? Just as I thought. Well, thanks to Randy, just about everyone knows mine. I used to think this was a curse, but Steve just called to confirm that he has it right because he's at a fair and he wants to buy me a bra. I usually end in tears after bra shopping excursions because I can never find my size, so if someone else wants to buy me one--gezunteheit!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Quotes of the Day

And Mir Said to Shana, Her Three Year Old Sister
"Who has the cutest tushy?"
"You can't say that. That's a bad word."
"So what should I say?"

When Asked about a Picture of Someone's Breasts
"They belong to my sidekick 'Gazonga Girl.'"

Friday, June 10, 2005

Quote of the Day

After Hearing a Real Macho Thing a Friend Said to Me...
"That's like, 'Uh, I have a penis!'"
-My Really Hot Female Friend

This Was My Life for Four Years

How strange it is that night transforms everything. These are the doors to my high school. I took a picture of them last night when Mir and I went back to my car after class (I was parked right in front). Hello, MHS at night.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Quotes of the Day

On my Picture Titled Boredom
"Do you ever reach a point when you say to yourself, "why would I take a picture of that?'"

And This is Why We're Friends!
"I wrote a paper with 78 semi-colons. My teacher counted and said that if it wasn't for the abundent use of semi-colons, I would have gotten an F. But I made her laugh, so I got a C."

Babies, Babies, I Want My Own...

Last night Doni and I had an argument over who can have a baby. Or maybe it was who will have a baby. No wait, I'm pretty sure it was whoever can find more words that rhyme with "baby" would be the one who won and got to have a baby. Anyway, Doni and I had a fight over who wants to have a baby more, who will have twins first, and who can rhyme more words with "baby."

Forget all that, if you want to read the most hilarious article about babies and wanting them and not having them, go to bangitout. I would copy and paste some funny parts--but how can I choose when the whole thing is great?

And for the record, I've been wanting to have a baby since I was like seven. Once again, I am waaaaaaay before my time! Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever been before my time before, but I am sure that I'll think of something for that soon.

Someone's Lying to Me and I Know Why

If someone's keeping a secret from you, it's because there's something they don't want you to know. But if you know deep down that they're lying and that there is something they aren't telling you, is it best not to ask? What if you know that they have a secret because you know their secret? Discuss.

At times like these I curse my intuition.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Quotes of the Day

Little Town, It's a Quiet Village...
"What's the only two lane road in Monsey?"

In Response to Why I Love my Newest Water Bottle (it's so cool!)
"I didn't know you need positive encouragement to drink. Oh, oh...water!"

Baby Boy has a Name!

Baby boy had a bris today. Don't tell anyone--but I started crying when I heard him cry. Anyway, they named him Yehuda Lev (or Leib, I'm not sure). Yehuda's one of my favorite names.
So far my list of names (in case I should suddenly find myself pregnant with a boy) is:
  • Yehuda
  • Shmuel
  • Tzvi
  • Eliyahu
  • Meir
  • Asher
  • Zevi
  • Avi
  • Binyamin
  • Shimon
  • Yissachar
  • Zevulan
I have to say, between my list and Doni's (Julio, Mario, Chlamydia...), mine is really good!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Quotes of the Day

Well, Some People Just Can't Raise Ladies
"I would trade you my girls for your boys. Trust me, they would never know the difference and when they're little they all look alike so our husbands wouldn't know either."

Some People will Brag About the Strangest Things...
"So I was being ditzy and I'm like, "I'm into this new's called ironing'."

Oh, Thank Me Lucky Stars

I was a very superstitous kid. Everything had meaning and purpose to me. I had rituals. I can't remember all of them, but I recall that every night after saying Shema, I would kiss my necklace right on the magen David to protect me in my sleep (the necklace had been my maternal great-grandmother's).

Last week, my hairdresser proved herself frummer than me. She's not an O-girl, not even Jewish! But she said to me, "I love this skirt and it covers my knees, but not when I sit. I've been thinking that maybe I should add a layer of lace. What do you think?" I thought it was refreshing to meet someone who believed in what they were doing, but just told her that it was a cool idea. I don't know many O-girls who care so much for covering their knees and I took it as real mussar from a very odd place.

This morning, I got my umpteenth compliment on one of the necklaces I made. I was sitting in the chair at the dentist, and when I told the hygienist that I made it, she told me that I have to make more and sell them.
"My girlfriend used to work and then made a few necklaces. She sent them to a boutique in Manhattan and they called her up. The necklaces went for about $60 and $80. You have talent--you should try too. Now she just makes necklaces and sells them."

I've started seeing signs in everything again. Tara gave me mussar without even knowing. Well, I'm not much more tznius than I was before, but I remembered what it means to care. I also feel like everyone is encouraging me to sell my necklaces. (Well, okay, aside from the hygienist, it's really just my cousin, mother, grandmother, and a friend.)

I've been thinking a lot about how superstitious I find myself becoming again. See, one of my prof's gave me an A- and I didn't even do the final paper. It made me think about all the mazal I've been feeling recently and then I was thinking that maybe I'm in a moment of luck and I should take advantage of that by going out and meeting some tall, curly haired guy with brains who'll fall madly in love with me and want to have a family with me (note to gym crush if you're reading this: I'm talking to you). Or perhaps I should go buy myself a lottery ticket and win so that I can tell my father to stop worrying about me making money...or not making money. Anyway, the point of all this is that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Quote of the Day

Upon Being Asked What His Qualifications Are
"I'm a jew, I don't need qualifications. I'm qualified for everything!!! ...except manual labour."

Ode to Perfection


I said to the kid next to me, "how do you spell opinion?" because just for that moment, I forgot.
"I wouldn't expect that from you," he said.

Oh, how lonesome perfection can make you.


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Quote of the Day

Reflections on The Israel Parade
"Oh my God, I'm so horny. There are so many O-girls around here."

In a Sea of Orange

A Hamsa Boy waved at me. That's right--I'm a total hottie. Well, okay, I'm a total dork, but still--I felt pretty darn special.

Imagine: There's a float with THE Hamsa Boys. They're all singing. One of them notices me. Our eyes meet across half of 5th Avenue (he was in the middle of the avenue on the float). He's looking at me. I'm looking at him. He waves to me. I quickly look away because I'm officially laughing really hard and I don't want him to think I'm laughing at him because I'm not...really...laughing at him. Y'know, I'm just kinda laughing with him. Oy, okay.

Anyway, the parade was cool. Saw this one and that one. Everyone was in orange. You'd think the Israel parade would be a great place to wear an IDF tee (since I can't wear mine to Hunter or they'd kill me), but it was probably just the absolute worse place for that this year. I was anyway just wearing a white skirt and blueish top and a blue and orange necklace (that I, ahem, made myself). Okay, that is all.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Quote of the Day

A Sure Sign Someone Thinks the World Ends at the George Washington Bridge
"How can you not know another O-girl from Monsey? How many people live in that town?"

Friday, June 03, 2005

Quote of the Day

A Sure Sign that Someone Thinks Far too Much About Himself
"The Randy Agadi character is based on comic book guy."

I Need More Than Sugar and Spice to Make a Real Baby

I am going to step out of my idealistic little bubble and into the real world. I used to be a believer that if the first "immaculate conception" happened in a Jewish woman's uterus, the Holy Ghost clearly favors Jewish women. And I, dear folks, just happen to be one.

But I know that's never going to happen, and if I am as serious about wanting to have a baby as I am, I need to get serious about finding someone to partner with for that baby to happen. (Surprisingly, my mother suggested that I find myself some sperm in a sperm bank or volunteer to carry a baby for a woman who can't. It's possible, of course, that her desire to have a grandchild is close to as insane as mine to have a child.) And so, I will embark on a mission to find myself not just someone with sperm strong enough to fertilize my eggs, but someone who will also help me sustain the children and provide a safe and normal home for them.

I'm looking for someone who carries genes for intelligence, height, and curly hair. I'll provide the genes for creativity, bossiness (good survival skill), and long eyelashes. The man I'm looking for also has to be respectful, considerate, complimentary, fun, easygoing but not too easygoing, hot, a good hiker, a noncomplainer, pushy (if I'm the only bossy one it doesn't work), and moral. But that last stuff's just so that he and I make a good parenting team.

With any luck, by the time Shabbos is over, I'll be sporting a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge belly and a husband at my side, and everyone who gives me "imyertzashembyyou"s will be saying, "beshaah tovah." And now, I will go back to dreaming...

You Have Died of Dysentery

Holy Shenanigans!

Does anyone else remember what this is from?

Whew--does that bring back memories!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Quote of the Day

On Why We Love Not Shomer Guys :)
"And the twigs are avoided like the fat girls in the Jewish community."

Professor du Hotness and I Are So Yesterday

I just got the final draft of my last essay for Professor du Hotness' class (Eng 308: Essay Writing 1) in the mail today. It came to me in my self-addressed and stamped envelope I gave to him along with my essay. Here's what he wrote:

"This is great work--such a distinct and colorful personality comes through here. It's the liveliest, most fun, and most whimsical essay I've read all year. Your revisions address all the issues I had with the previous draft. Thanks for your hard work and excellent class participation this semester."

Here are my suggested alternate endings to my professor's note...
"and here is my number: 1-888-I-luv-you."
"and I'd like to take you out some time to discuss your skills. Those other than writing, that is..."
"and I think you're hot."
"and seriously, I want you so bad that anytime you wanna pop into my office, I'll be there waiting for you."
Actually, that last one's a bit freaky. But still--it woulda been nice for him to at least offer to take me out for a coffee if I ever want his input on a piece of writing. Y'know, like a 911 I can lean on in extreme situations.

(Just by the way, I don't know what kind of boring essays he's been reading that mine was so much fun, because when I gave this essay--A History of Fish and Me--to Mir to read, she was bored at about halfway through the second page!)

And The Moral of the Story Is...

I don't really need to say anything, do I? (Except that Mir and I rarely talk like this about women!)

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Quote of the Day

Upon Hearing (for the First Time) that He was awarded 'The Punk of Misused Big Words'
"I'm abrogated!!!"

So This Freak Occurrence Happened in Class Today

I used to have a big ego. After today's class, I have a really, really big ego. My teacher paired us up and asked us each to write a "personality snapshot" about the person we were paired with. We were to have a thesis statement, four supporting examples, and a conclusion.

Some of the 'graphs kids wrote sucked. Some were really good. But after I read mine, people applauded. That's right--they clapped their hands.

When I'm nervous, I tend to act extremely hyper. I know, I know, I act hyper often. But this hyper is different. This is the hyper that people never believe is "just hyperness" without any alcoholic help...but it is. So anyway, I was mad hyper-fidgety and really just nervous in class today because that's how I get on my first day of class (not all classes, just writing classes). And then they applauded! One can only imagine the shockexcitement I went into. I hope this semester is a good one.
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