Quotes of the Day

How To Know You Have a Psychic Computer
"My font just changed by itself! It sensed my ferociousness in that statement."
-Zahava

Correspondence from Europe...
"We had so many quotes of the day for you but we got stoned and forgot to write it down."
-Steve

I'm Gettin' Married!

I am going to rehash last night's dream because it is just so weird and so bizarre that I'm just confused.
We were all sitting around a dining room table. The only people I remember are Elke, Zahava, this guy who doesn't like me one bit, and a man with a beard that went around his chin and jaw and on his left cheek. That's right, the man was missing "beard" on his right cheek. Oh wait, my brother was in the dream too, at the table part, because the man was telling him that he has to be home for yomim tovim or he's making a chillul haShem and he was holding a postcard of some sort to prove his point.
So Elke was infatuated with this guy who was sitting to my right and all she would do was talk about when they'll be married this and that and how he's so good looking and so smart and so nice and that she's going to marry him yada yada yada. Well, I kept glancing at him because I didn't like her and in my dream he somehow knew that. And in my dream he for some reason liked me (which is, I think, just about the opposite of real life). So to shut her up, he goes, "will you stop all that talk, it's making my wife uncomfortable!!!"
Well! That was me he was referring to. So I got embarrassed cause I didn't realize that he had decided he was going to marry me. Which was absurd, but in my dream I loved him. Not like "in love" or "infatuation with" I mean just love--the developed kind. I know this because when he said that, I got the weirdest feeling ever in my stomach and that was that it just belonged.
Then the guy with the weird beard's son was talking and he was about 1.5 feet tall or so and about 5 years old. But there he was with a full grown beard that was just missing--you got it--the right cheek. And in my dream, I stared at this little child with a beard and thought, "what the...?"
Then we had to bentch, so I started bentching but then I think someone made me go into the kitchen (I don't even know whose house this was like) and I did and when I got back, Zahava was in my seat bentching. The chairs at that point were kinda strewn about, like they were all pushed back a foot from the table and turned a bit so that they faced the table from 45* angles. So I motioned, "get up, I have to finish bentching here where I sat."
And she said, "I'm bentching, there are crumbs at my seat."
????
Then I sat near the man with the funny beard because Zahava wouldn't budge and my bentcher didn't have the correct words so I made them up as I went along and I was staring at a painting of trees like the trees I saw the other day.
Then by the time I turned around, boy-who-called-me-his-wife and Elke had gone (they were going to be spending the night in this weird place, I don't even remember) and my cell rang. So I answered it and it was the aforementioned guy. Just called to tell me good-bye.
There's more to the dream. There's the part when I come home and my mom shows me the swatches of paint she's thinking of using somewhere in the house (very common practice here in my real-life house) and that she scheduled a weather-test for I can't remember the month but the date was DEFINITELY a 4th. Yes, weather-test. That's when the government comes and tests the weather around your house. Yes, my dream was strange.
There was a beginning part, too. In the beginning, there were big red mushrooms with white spots like they were from Mario Brothers or something and at one point I was sitting on one. My brother went into the concession (like when we went to a bungalow colony...) and then he came out and I was telling him something and he was fighting with me then there were other guys--his friends--and they were wearing yarmulkes with spikes like that gothy necklace that girl in my poli sci class wears.
There's probably more but I have such a headache I'm going to go bake cookies so that we have something to eat for the last days of Pesach.

"A friend who knows my dream theory and had shared it with his wife said to me one day, "I must tell you that my wife dreamed yesterday that she had her period. You know what that means." Certainly I knew; since the young woman had dreamed that she had her period, it meant that her period had not come. "
That's from Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams.
Shall I take that as a sign that if someone calls me his wife, it's probably the last thing I want? ...Or is it what I want, I just don't know? Cause to be honest, of all the guys I know, he's somewhere near the bottom of my list of guys I'd voluntarily marry. Actually, if I were to make a list of the guys I know and rate them according to marriageablility for me, I'd give him a 10 for husband material and like a 3 for compatibility with moi in particular. Then I'd do some sort of mathematical equation to see where that brings me and to weigh the significances of both numbers and then I'd compare him to the other friends using the same method.
Haha, right!

Quote of the Day

Lessons for Life
"G-d is not very fond of gratuitous waterworks."
-Randy

Babaganoush

Come visit The Blue and Purple Zoo to see their latest installment!
Meet Babaganoush. Babaganoush is a 2.5 pound sprightly little Parakeet! He's white with soft yellow and greyish-bluish spots and adorable shiny dark eyes. As the first Parakeet to join The Blue and Purple Zoo, he is located on the western side of the zoo--right across from the Beta section! A frightened little bird, it may take a while for him to settle in and feel at home. But The Blue and Purple Zoo is accustomed to this. When the late Brownsville Girl first moved in, he couldn't eat for a whole month. Don't worry--it's common for Betas to have eating disorders. Just ask The Raging Bull, he's bulimic. (No, no, not Randy, the REAL Raging Bull, my fish.) Yes, here at The Blue and Purple Zoo, the animals are just as off the wall as their caretaker.
Visiting Hours are tentative. Please call before you plan a visit so that I can clean my room. :)

I Heart Books.

Michael's dad passed this along to Michael, who took it, and then passed it along to me. I'd feel like I were doing a chain letter, only I really love reading, so this is pretty cool.

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I’m sorry, but I think we all know the correct answer is not which particular book but which particular character. I read Fahrenheit 451 because someone I was friends with then read it for class and couldn’t get over how much Clarisse reminded him of me. That’s right, before Flash Dina, even before Dorkinsky, there was Clarisse (my nickname...and I even have the now defunct e-mail address Clarisse451f!).

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Has there ever been a hotter character, person, place, or thing, than the Beast from the greatest movie ever made (Beauty and the Beast)? Eight feet of hairiness with an amazing library all his own and the ability to push his arrogance aside in recognition of love…it really doesn’t get hotter than that!

The last book you bought is:
Hrm…well, um…I think I get all my books free now that I have friends who buy me books and that I steal books from the Hillel room (just kidding...). No, wait, I’m sure I can recall the last book I bought...Ah, yes! It was Gorilla, My Love by Toni Cade Bambara. Had to read it for Fiction Workshop Class.
The last book I bought voluntarily was this big, fat book called Jewish Literacy by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. I saw it for sale outside this old library one day on my way to school, and the sheer volume (it’s a fat one) with the words "Jewish" and "Literacy" for the price ($5) was all I needed to convince me.
Actually, the real last book I bought was 100 Great Breads (but we don’t talk about that this week).

The last book you read is:
A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom.

What are you currently reading?
You ask a girl with an attention issue during yontif! Oh, there're lots…
Bob Dylan: Lyrics 1962-2001
To My Dear Children, My Opa (his privately published memoirs)
Never Again!, R'Meir Kahane (Randy lent it to me)
The Israelis, Donna Rosenthal
The Art of the Personal Essay, Philip Lopate
The Kuzari, R’Yehuda HaLevi

Five books you would take to a desert island:
Rambam's Moreh Nevuchim
Beresheit
An empty notebook with an endless amount of pages
Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre
Tips for Survival When You're on a Desert Island and Only Allowed Five Books (I'm sure there's a book like this)

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Randy doll, Moishele, and Steve--you can all write one up together for Punks! And why? Does that answer really require an explanation?

Quote of the Day

Right.
"Why did G-d make me so cool and popular?"
-Randy

Top Five List

Here's a list of reasons I am not ever going hiking with Randy, Doni, Moishele, and Aaron alone again.

5. Doni, Moishele, and Randy are total wusses.
4. Aaron didn't like the name I came up with for our island: Wetbutt Island. (It was inspired...)
3. As the only skirt wearer, I think I flashed just about everyone.
2. Boys smell.
1. Moshe has downgraded my status to semi-jap after my "heroic performance as flasher, bridgebuilder and o-girl gone wild."

Quote of the Day

On Why He Wouldn't Leave My Room Until Every Freshly Laundered Shirt, Skirt, and Sock Was Investigated
"You're a sock thief!"
-My brother Ari

Quote of the Month: Winner!

They came from the mountains, Jersey, Narnia!, Venezuela, on my chair with nothing better to do but take this survey, Randi's Belly, Not Randy's room b/c I'm NOT Randy!, French Broad (as in 'ho), Dinaland, Planet Geektron (10th from sun), New York, and Israel to vote. And now, the results are in...

mmm 1st PLACE mmm
Randy!

Congratulations...
71% of the voters thought

In Response to my Morning Salutation: "I can see your elbows, whore."

was fuuuuuuny!

mm 2nd PLACE mm
Itamar!

Congratulations...
48% of the voters thought
In Response to our Allegations (and while wearing a red tuxedo jacket with tails): "I'm not homeless--I'm the duke!"
was fuuuuuuny!

mm 2nd PLACE mm
Steve!

Congratulations...

48% of the voters thought

Describing the Dream He had Last Night: "You guys strapped me down and injected me with heroin...and your mom was like, 'you better have an inventory.'" ["My mother doesn't inject me with heroin!"] "Same thing--heroine, Judaism--they're both addictive."

was fuuuuuuny!

m 3rd PLACE m

Dima!

Congratulations...
43% of the voters thought
On Why He Has No Time to Contemplate God: "I have more important things to do with my time. Like learn Spanish."

was fuuuuuuny!

m 3rd PLACE m

Randy!

Congratulations...

43% of the voters thought
Why I Love Randy: "Don't throw around that word love so liberally. There are only a few things in this world I love: my mom, my dad, my nephew and my boob light."
was fuuuuuuny!

..................

Congratulations to all the winners!

............

1st place prize: Two Homemade Lunches!

2nd place prize: Homemade Cookies!

3rd place prize: A Massage!

Some fun answers:

"Scarves can strangle you by cutting off your air supply, o-girls can strangle you by trying to force all of their religous beliefs on you. Both look cute wrapped around a neck and cuter wrapped around a waist. Both come in all different shapes and sizes but in the end are intended for one purpose, scarves keep you warm o-girls have babies. You can buy a scraf for $1 on the street, an o-girl would never sell herself so cheap."

"O-girls are more of a shoebox, whereas scarves are more of a raincoat. You see, when a boy likes a girl very much, the tigers in the amazon become thirsty for rabid dogs and their little pet frogs. Hot air balloons only come out at night. Kings Highway bisects the triangles big side at exactly 36.8 miles per hour. In conclusion, I would like to quote the great William S. Borroughs in stating that 'Everyone is different. No two people are not on fire.'"

"Well, O-girls and scarves are quite representative of each other. They are both beautiful (esp my El Al love) and desired. However, I will never wear a scarf... ever... unless it's of a sports team. I'm against them on principle. However, on O-girls? I'll wear an O-girl. And by wear, I mean marry."

"Ogirls are just like scarves. You can wrap both of them around your belly and roll on the floor laughing...it's quite fun."

"Scarves may keep your neck warm, but O-girls have nice gazongas!"

Free Association! (For those of you who skipped this, you suck!)

Sneakers:
dusty, walking, smelly, orange, running, Annie Hall, happy, 32Dina, univeral footwear, dina's dorky sn, laces, Miryams tounge, Curves gym, sex, running, O-girls, plimsols, not too much, O-girl ankles!, english people.

Peanut Butter:

mmmm yummy, mmmmm, mmmm, crunchy or smooth?, creamy, jelly, hungry, reeses, reeses, 32Dina, melted, Dina, dynamite, sex, Oh!-girls, euick!, seriously, u dont want to know, preparation H, elephants

Pictures of Cups:
pictures of cups-yey, stacking, booze, b, reeses, bra, bra, 32Dina, words fail me, nauseating ride for toddlers, Why?!, TELEPHONES, absyinthe, sex, clear plastic, Oi-girls, spoons, beer, "crunk" dina, having to pee

Mascara:
clumpy, clumps, painting, spindly, blush, pink eye, dinas fake lashes, Randy dressed as 32Dina, eyes, non waterproof staining me face, Commercials, Dinas Toes, shiksas, sex, black, mmm-girls, do the jew, ugly girls trying to look hot, strategic ambiguity, having two eyes

And... A Good Suggestion:
"Hmmm, as much as this topic interests me, I've been waiting all night to tell you the following: I don't go to Hunter and I must admit I am generally amused by all the nonsensical quotes of the Hillel folks, yet, i just don't get some of the thangs you call "quotes". In conclusion, I plead a new category on behalf of the minority group which I represent. The "huh?" category. Now this category encompasses so many reactions of the quote reader such as, I don't get it, and I really don't understand or that was so perverted that I am speechless. Thank you for your time."

Quotes of the Days

Greatest Quotes Over the Past Three Days...

On Why a Career in Music Therapy Just Might Not Be for Her
"I'm not gay enough."
-Zahava

On Why a Poll in Newsweek said that 98% of Men Still Find "Mom" as Sexy as Ever!
"Because the pollster would kill them if they didn't say that."
-My Mom

Pesach is here!

Have a chag kasher v'sameach!

Quote of the Day

In Response to My Excitement that His Birthday's in 23 Days and a Week!
"Or you could just say a month."
-My brother Ari

Quote of the Day

I have nothing...
"Sometimes I wish I could just bite Randy. Other times I wish Dean Escoci would bite himself. But most of the time I think I'm sexy."
-Steve

Bye Bye Bacardi. Bye Bye Chametz.

This girl Emma sits next to me for my Wednesday night class and my Thursday afternoon class. Today she said, "and someone smelled like beer in class yesterday...I think it was that vegan girl." I was like, "Are you sure it was beer? I think it might have been rum. And I could be wrong...but I think it was in my soda."
Just trying to rid the chametz, is all...

Sigh...

Can I say that I love my professor? I love my professor. Not like "in love with professor" but just that I think he's really cool. Why, you ask? I write a stupid essay titled, "A History of Fish and Me." I send him an e-mail that I felt it lacked substance. Excerpts from his response are as follow:

I like the essay - there's a lot of humor, warmth and quirkiness to it.

Quirkiness--he thinks I'm quirky!

...maybe more of that would highlight the uniqueness of your habit, making it an even more personal essay, exposing your own quirks in contrast to the people you know that poke fun of you for it.

What was that? I'm unique, too, you think?

Let me know if you have any more questions.

And then he signed it with his first name. That's unprecedented.
Professor, you're so cool.

I'm So Psychic

My fiction workshop professor told me to start writing and keep going until I'm done. It's my thought process that's blocking me, she said. So I tried this method this morning. I wrote tempature. Tempature!
"That isn't a word," the red squilly line underneath it told me. "Try again."
So I did. I tried again and got temperture.
"Wrong. Ha ha ha ha! You speak English funny!"
That damned squilly line. I gave up and clicked their suggestions. Temperature.

Is there something wrong if I can read my computer's mind?

Oh, That Steve!

"Oh my Gd, it's nuts....every ortho will want it!" My friend said to me. Then he launched his brilliant plan...

THE SIMS:::Version 3:::Online Shidduch Dating

Yup, leave it to the secular Jew to make shidduching fun. And he wasn't done...

"Or a new punked show...taking o-girls and o-guys on dates and setting them up with o-people and the o-people make like these wierd comments about Judaism--like weird stuff--I don't know. Anyway and then at the end the person would be like, 'Okay, date's over. Let's get married; my mom's almost done making the hole in the sheet.'"

Quote of the Day

Upon Leaving (or attempting to leave) the Bank
"Can we not go outside while I'm holding $500?"
-Nukes

Vote on the Quotes: Second Edition

I know it's a little early in the month but with Pesach approaching and the number of quotes I already have, I have decided to launch...

Quote of the Month

Sure, it's a bit early. But go--vote--vote early, vote often (not really)--just vote!

Vote or...don't vote.

Quotes of the Day

Describing the Dream He had Last Night
"You guys strapped me down and injected me with heroin...and your mom was like, 'you better have an inventory.'"
["My mother doesn't inject me with heroin!"]
"Same thing--heroine, Judaism--they're both addictive."
-Steve

Talking About His (adorable!) Nephew
"He just gets more horizontally-enhanced every time I see him."
-Randy

Man...First Day Outside and This?

Let's play...

Guess Who Thinks
She Has a Tick!

Ego Boost! Ego Boost! I Love These!

I love workshopping essays in class. I mean, teachers write some nice things--but workshopping? That's when you get the best!
From Beethoven's analysis of my essay A History of Fish and Me:

Dina,
Your essay is fun because it isn't a very serious topic in terms of politics and world news and such, but rather entertaining. I wonder if these fish had some kind of important impact on you or something more. However, with that said, it shows a lot about your personality. This piece shows that you are a person with great maternal instincts and one that loves something or someone to take care of them without appreciation. The best part is that I know without being told that the fish can't really show the appreciation the caretaker probably deserves. I compare it to children (human children) and their mothers. Mothers do everything for their children (good ones, anyway) without asking or expecting anything back. This characterisc comes out in this essay. It shows that you are responsible too, except maybe when you haven't changed Brownsville's tank, but then again you did notice something was wrong [with his behavior]. Again, great in showing your character...

Quotes of the Day

...And You Were Wondering Why He's on My List?
"I'd go dox for you."
-Gene

After "Saving My Soul"
"Damn, we were gonna go to Hell together!"
-Randy

Family.

My brother told me I'm hippity-jippity. I asked him what that means and all he could do was move his hands and say, "y'know--hippity-jippity."
That's okay. Last week Nedenah called me hoity-toity, so these "sound words" seem totally in.
But then, as if not getting love from outsiders and my own brother isn't enough, my mother's response to the "bag inventory" I made and sent her (she ASKED for one) is:

Oooooooh I can FEEL the love!

I Love Michael

I owe my life to Michael of Kosher Eucharist. Well, not my life, but he is so amazing y'all better listen to my radio all the time!

I thought his radio on his blog was really cool. So I wanted one. I downloaded the works and for some reason (as it turns out, they weren't mp3's), my files wouldn't convert when I told them too. He offered to help (obviously not fully understanding my incompetence with this). I converted the files to mp3's. They still wouldn't convert. I sent them to Michael. He converted them. He sent them back to me. I put them in my folder and put the html in my blogger thing. Did it work? See post below.

I didn't want to tell Michael that it still wouldn't work because he already helped so much, I thought that maybe if I wouldn't tell him it would really just be working. Well, he knew it wasn't working when he checked and...it wasn't working. I got an IM, "So I see you still need some help." And what do you know? He helps me!

He spent over two hours and ended up giving me space because I'm a moron and I love him.

And--he even sent me Albert King and Stevie Ray Vaughn doing Stormy Monday. Hello? Can love for someone BE any more deserved? Wow! Everyone should love Michael because he's the best and I am so sending him a box of homemade cookies after Pesach's over.

Here's what you're listening to:
1. Bela Fleck - cover of Tangled Up in Blue
2. BB King - cover of Stormy Monday
3. The Band - King Harvest (Will Surely Come)
4. Stevie Ray Vaughn - Tin Pan Alley (AKA Roughest Place in Town)
5. Dylan - Brownsville Girl
6. Joe Bonamassa- Faux Mantini
7. BB King - The Thrill is Gone
8. Counting Crows - Anna Begins

Can Everyone Just Call Me and I'll Sing to You Over the Phone?

Allow me to cry. Now.

I wanted to add a radio to my blog because Kosher Eucharist has one and Jewlicious has one and they're really cool. But apparently my computer decided that I'm just not good enough to have one. First, I couldn't get my files to convert. Then, with hours worth of help from one of the nicest people on the planet, my files were sent to me all nice, prim and proper, and ready to be broadcasted.
I added the radio html to my blogger and guess what--GORNISCHT!
That's right. Nothing. So now can I cry?

Quotes of the Day

After Being Hounded to Join the Gym, My Father Turned to my Brother...
"What's with the women in this family? They're like tigers attacking from all sides!"
-My father

Upon Seeing What I Purchased Today
"She has a disease called Pocketbooks--I want a bag inventory, Dina."
-My mother

Ha...So Sad, Only Laughter Will Save Me!

I really do need to study my American geography better. Let's just say that, "no more tries...click next question," was the most popular answer I got while taking a geography quiz. But then, will knowing where Indiana, Missouri, and Arkansas are really make a difference in the long run?
That's right, the time to make Aliyah has come and my 78/150 on a US Geography quiz is a testament to that.

Just Dina is So Yesterday

Holy Schmoly. This is so much fun!

Dina Michal P.'s Aliases

Your movie star name: Olives Irwin

Your fashion designer name is Dina Odessa

Your socialite name is 3Dina NYC

Your fly girl / guy name is D Pir

Your detective name is Fish Manh attan High School For Girls

Your barfly name is Herring Cosmo

Your soap opera name is Michal Plum Road

Your rock star name is Chocolate Me When I'm Horny

Your Star Wars name is Dinbro Pirnon

Your punk rock band name is The Happy Sneaker

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Quotes of the Day

On Why I'm the First Person in His Phonebook
"I don't have many other alphanumeric friends."
-Randy

On White Skirts and the Summer Sun
"You have to remember to wear a slip in the summer, or everyone can see what underwear you're wearing."
-My mother

Of Quotes and Tushes

I don't have any quotes for today, so we're going to have...

The Best Tush Quotes of the Week

"Dina, you have a hot ass."
-Debra

"My giant titanium tuchus."
-Bigweld of Robots

Just so you know--this titanium tuchus line--amazing!

Can I Be Their Groupie?

Meet Josh Walker.

Of all the groups who performed Wednesday night, I thought they were the best. And no, it's not just because Josh Walker has a head full of adorable hair. And it isn't either because they're like, mad hot. It's because they were really good, really fun, and really enjoyable...okay, and really hot.

This picture's a little discolored (they were too dark to see, so I messed around with the color), but nice nonetheless.

Well, if Gregg Allman won't let me be his groupie, I can look elsewhere because these guys really do have talent! Wait, no, I didn't mean Gregg doesn't. Gregg Allman has mad talent. Like, insane talent. I just meant that these guys have talent, too.

I Vant to Have a Baaaby!

If you thought I was just a baby nut on my own, well, I have good reason for being this way (aside from the amazingness of babies). Here's a story my mother just told me:

I went shopping the other day, and when I went back to my car, I must've seen something move or shimmer, or something...but I noticed a baby was sitting in the back seat of the car right next to mine. Alone. In the back of a car with all the windows closed. In a snowsuit. Do you know how hot a car could get in the middle of the day??? So, of course, I went right into the Kosher Supermarket (I can't remember what this place is called) and I said to the manager, "do you have a loudspeaker?" and he said, "well, yes..." and I said, "well, you have to announce that there is a baby in the back of a maroon blah blah blah" and he goes, "so? Maybe the parent is in Amazing Savings?" I looked at him and said, "what???????" And I think he realized that he was dealing with an obvious nut, so he made the announcement.
I went back out to my car and waited for the parent to come. This man came out, and I said, "how can you leave your baby out here all alone?" and he mumbled, "I only went in for 3 minutes." "Three minutes???" I said, "did you know that a baby could die from heat in the back of a car in 15 minutes?" Then he saw I wasn't going to move (I couldn't anyway, because the way he parked I couldn't get out), so he got into the car and I saw the baby move her head and she was smiling, and I'm pretty sure she had Downs Syndrome and I felt so upset--I really hope this man realizes that you have to love this baby and take just as good care of her as you would any other.

I love my mother.

Backstreet's Back--Alright!

Meet the Hunter Hillel Boy Band!

They know how to chill.

They know how to look tough.

They know how to look cool.

They know how to sing.

And they know how to drink.

Quotes of the Day

On 32D's and 30B's and 34E's
"So Miryam, what's your nickname? If you know what I mean..."
-Randy

6:30pm, After Having Been Told There is Pink on His Shirt
"There's pink on my shirt! I didn't even realize!"
-An adorable geek who really can't dress

During the Concert!

Look! Dorks:


Look! A hottie:


Drunkards? Moishele looks five...


What the hell is with Nukes making this face for every picture?


Mah zeh?


Ah...so that's it.


Meet Bizarre-Man.

Bizarre-Man comes to every event we have and takes food. He once even came into the Hillel room for milk for his coffee and we told him it was mad old, but he took anyway. Gross. Another time, he came to an event and even called a friend to come to take food. His friend was a total homeless-bag-lady.

They mamish look like a boy band!


Aaron's out no. 1


Our resident child...

Pre-Concert Boredom

Top Five Reasons to Never Leave Me Alone and Bored:
5.


4.


3.


2.


1.

Quote of the Day

On Low Shirts and High Skirts...
"She was definately OTD. She was about as OTD as you could go."
-Ian

Upon Hearing that I'm the Punk of Rock
"What are you guys, like captain planet?"
who said this? I saved it in the weirdest way and now I can't remember...

Quotes of the Day

Why It's Okay to Go into a Relationship with the Intention of Changing a Guy
"They're pet peeves. I can't give him a fair judgement unless those things are out of the way."
-Miryam

In Response to My Inability to Link My Third Screenname (me and my damned memory that can never remember passwords...)
"Just my luck. Whenever I convince a girl to try a threesome it doesn't work out."
-a guy with a mad hot beard

Sol

Miryam came over to update her resume and while saving it to my folder "Miryam's Works," we noticed a file called "Sol." So we opened it:

Sol: How’d you like the Prune juice this morning?
Henry: Eh–I don’t like Prune juice. But who can complain–it tastes better than the mush they call food in this place.
Sol: My wife used to cook better than they do.
Henry: Oy.
Sol: It tastes like they threw up pizza.
Henry: What? They blew up the Mona Lisa?
Sol: What?! Are you meshugganeh?! Where did you hear that?
Henry: Hear what?
Sol: They blew up the Mona Lisa.
Henry: Ah–so they did?
Sol: So I hear.
Henry: And now what?

"Sol" is a result of Miryam having to write a psychology paper in dialogue format and me (her paper-writing assistant) being wacked out of my mind. And this is why I love when Miryam comes over to do work. :)

Quotes of the Day

On Nuke's Goooood Loooooks
"His name's not Jonathan Newcombe, it's Jonathan O'Neill."
-Helen

On Guys Who Buy Their Girls Make-Up
"If a guy could pick out your shade, he's a fruitbag."
-Aaron

Return of the Stalker

AnnoyingStalker: hey sexy mama
Me: go away
AnnoyingStalker: y
Me: because you're annoying
AnnoyingStalker: your mean
Me: you're a stalker
AnnoyingStalker signed off at 11:48:17 PM.

My Songs

I'm pretty sure that at about this time every year, I find that I can sum up what is foremost on my mind in a Dylan or Eagles song.
Last year's song: It Ain't Me Babe.
"I'm not the one you want, babe,I'm not the one you need," and, "Go melt back into the night, babe, everything inside is made of stone. There's nothing in here moving an' anyway I'm not alone," were my feelings in a nutshell.
The year before: Wasted Time.
"You don't care much for a stranger's touch but you can't hold your man," and, "You didn't love the boy too much, no no, you just loved the boy too well," were the lines I felt then.
And now, for this year's song...
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright
From, "An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe, if you don't know by now," to "Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say to try and make me change my mind and stay. We never did too much talkin' anyway, so don't think twice, it's all right," to, "But goodbye's too good a word, gal, so I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right."
Eh, I'll shut up.

Quotes of the Day

In Desperation for an Early Act
"Maybe I could have Jimmy play the digereedoo."
-Jon

(it's really the didgeridoo)

Diphthong-Worthy
"Oh, I though Doni was short for Donald."
-Randy

Uh-Oh.

The end is near. My M&M's melted in my hand and left me with a colorful palm.

Part Three: Operation Tighty Whiteys

3. INT. - BASEMENT OF HOST HOUSE - AFTER MIDNIGHT (we’re gonna let it all hang out...sorry.)

ELANA and YAEL are in bed. RIKKI is on a mattress on the floor. DINA is lying on another blow-up mattress on the floor, but is having difficulty smoothing out her blanket. She kicks her blanket a few times and tries to see if she could smooth it out. She feels something funny inside the sheet that seems to resemble a sock or pair of underwear.

DINA
Rikki, um...my blanket’s really messed up. Could you help me?

RIKKI comes over to help.

DINA
Feel this...what is it?

RIKKI feels spot of blanket DINA puts in her hand. She pulls something crumpled up and white and holds it up for the two of them to see.

RIKKI
It’s a pair of tighty-whiteys!

The two girls fall over DINA’s mattress in a fit of hysteria. RIKKI’s laughter is silent for the most part with short bursts of sound and DINA’s laughter is relatively quiet with more frequent sqeaks and that annoying hiccup-thing she can’t stop doing since becoming friends with Randy.

ELANA
Could you two be quiet?

DINA and RIKKI crack up even more.

YAEL
I’m trying to sleeeeeep!

DINA and RIKKI try getting a hold of themselves. They stop put the pair of men’s tighty whitey’s on the side of the mattress and attempt fixing the blanket inside the sheet. They start cracking up again.

ELANA (controlling laughter)
What is so funny? I’m trying to sleep!

DINA
Sorry, sorry. We’ll be quiet.

More laughter from DINA and RIKKI. They finish fixing the blanket and RIKKI holds up the underwear for one last laugh and places it on top of the tv right next to DINA’s mattress. She gets up to go back to her own. DINA stand up, too, and since there are tears on her cheeks, looks around for tissues. She notices something white on top of the tv next to her bed and reaches over to take the underwear RIKKI had just put there.

DINA
Are these tissues?

RIKKI looks over and she falls over laughing. DINA follows suit. Finally, RIKKI gets into bed. DINA does, too.

DINA
Rikki?

RIKKI
Emhm?

DINA
You do realize that this isn’t over, right?

RIKKI
What?

DINA
Yeah, if we leave the underwear laying around the room the hostess will think Goodness only knows what about us.

Silence.

DINA
Rikki?

RIKKI
Yes?

DINA
We’re going to have to sneak the underwear back into the blanket before we leave.

Part Two: Asleep

2. EXT. DIRT ROAD CALLED INDEPENDENCE AVENUE - CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT
RIKKI, YAEL, ELIANA, and DINA are all holding hands walking down barely-there road. They’re chatting, but it’s hard to tell what they’re saying. YAEL stops RIKKI in the middle of the road to lean on her so that she can get dirt out of her shoe.
The four girls finally make it to the house. They have been walking for close to thirty minutes close to the dead of the night, and are gracious to have arrived at their destination without any mishaps.
RIKKI tries the side door HOST and HOSTESS said they’d leave open. She can’t open it.

DINA
Uh...oh. Um, can I try?

DINA tries door. She can’t open it.
The four girls walk around to front door and knock on the door for a full five minutes until HOST opens door.

HOST
Couldn’t get in?

RIKKI
Apparently not--thanks! So, how do we get downstairs?

RIKKI, YAEL, ELANA, and DINA stand crowded in hall with HOST. They don’t know how to get downstairs because they entered through downstairs door when they came earlier.
Five seconds later--

DINA
‘Scuse me, how do we get down--

DINA turns to see HOST asleep. Standing completely asleep. YAEL and ELANA are too tired to even notice and RIKKI is passing out from laughter. DINA can’t control laughing, too.
Another ten seconds later--

HOST
You need to know where to go.

HOST shows girls to the stairs.

Part One: Lost in Riverdale

1. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN RIVERDALE - LATE FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Dark green Maxima seems to be driving aimlessly around just about every street there is in Riverdale. DINA is in front seat holding a big white envelope in lap that she consults from time to time. RIKKI
is on phone in passenger’s seat. ELANA is looking out of window in the back. YAEL is sitting in the middle seat in back because the clothes are still hanging on the door.

RIKKI
We’re never going to find this house, are we?

DINA
Right.

RIKKI puts phone down and leans out window at closest person.

RIKKI
‘Scuse me, ma’am. We’re looking for Independence,
do you know where that is?

LADY WALKING DOG
Well, Independence kind of starts and stops and then comes around again and then it stops again. Sorry--can’t help.

LADY WALKING DOG walks away from car with four gaping girls. They drive around a bit more and RIKKI calls HOSTESS.

RIKKI
Alright, she said to wait at the inter-section and
she’ll send her daughter.

Car is waiting at intersection when eleven year-old stick-figure DAUGHTER comes bouncing down what they had thought was a dirt road in a helmet, on a scooter. Car pulls up along side her.

DINA
Hi! So, where should I be going?

DAUGHTER
Oh, just follow me.

DAUGHTER hops back on scooter and starts down dirt road. Dark green Maxima drives behind her, slowly, cautiously, down the ridiculously narrow street. RIKKI, YAEL, and ELANA are passing out from laughter and DINA is trying to drive but laughing too hard.

Intro.

This shabbat, I went on a shabbaton in Riverdale. For some reason, every time I go to Riverdale I end up having the weirdest time. And no, it's not cause the shul we daven in is at times, bizarro. Last year, I lost my car. (Of course, there's a perfectly sane explanation for how that came to be...but it happened nonetheless.) This year, well, I'll post what happened on Friday in installments. Enjoy.

Quote of the Day

In Regard to My Week
"You could be on the bachelorette!"
-Miryam

Pesach is So Coming!

I love Pesach cleaning (read: eating)!

Many Quotes of the Day

Upon Seeing Itamar's Shirt...erm, Sweater?
"Whoa--Freddie Mercury! Dude, you know he was gay?"
-Randy

Adventures at Hunter Hillel
"Hey--it stinks like pot in the hall."
-Dani K.

On Being Psycho
"If you don't listen to me, you will die!"
-Psycho Woman from the Event Today

And now...

for the first time ever...

Adam's Quotes of the Day!

In Summation
"I carry the burden of balancing the sanity of the Hillel on my shoulders."

On Why He Doesn't Have Game (please note: the ambiguous He is not referring to Adam himself but to an ambiguous boy)
"He's as immature as a fetus."

In Response to My Request that He and Ian Clean Up Chairs While I Get Fat and Lazy (can't...resist...chummus...)
"Physical labor is not a man's work anymore, it's the illegal immigrants'."

(Just to explain: I spent just about all day at school...because I have no life...and it just happens to be that there were a number of funny things said. And as for the Adam getting his own little spot--he's hot, was I going to say no?)

Chummus Lovers Anonymous: Tenured Member

You know how sometimes you do something that you didn't even realize you were doing and then realize that you forgot to do something else and didn't even realize it until then? I took a string cheese out of the fridge and after making a shahakol, realized that I forgot to make a bracha on the pickle and chummus I had just eaten.
Random? Welcome to my brain.

Quotes of the Day

In Response to our Allegations (and while wearing a red tuxedo jacket with tails)
"I'm not homeless--I'm the duke!"
-Itamar

On Why He Likes Giving Massages
"Because then I get to touch girls."
-Dima

Quotes of the Day

On Why He's Unable to Attend My Event
"The geek show needs me! Who else is gonna bite off live chicken heads for the purpose of entertainment?"
-Randy

How You Know You're Too Cool for School (yes, you heard it here first!)
"B- is the new A."
(actually, she really said, "B- is the 'in' grade," but as we all know, I can't hear.)
-Miryam

(and then, when I finished typing this and laughing about it, Miryam said, "we should give Dork awards, like special badges" to me. I can feel the love people, I can feel it.)

Hot n Spicy!

I just opened a bag of potato chips for myself. The bag says, "Bold n' Spicy BBQ Potato Chips" in big yellow and orange letters and in red at the bottom it convinces me that inside is "Great Flavor!" So what was I to do--turn it down?
I can't recall the last time I opened myself a bag of chips. I must've been about fifteen, it was so long ago. That was before I became calorie conscious. Those were the days when all food meant to me was something delicious that would play with my tastebuds and give me momentary heaven (or in the case of amazing food, categorizable memories).
I opened the bag and felt my balloon of excitement pop, break, and fall in limp pieces of rubber on the ground at the sorry site of the potato chips inside. They were rippled. I HATE RIPPLED CHIPS!
But, of course, I ate them anyway. And they did, as the bag told me in two places, have "great flavor." I put each chip, some I had to break so that I wouldn't be overdoing it, into my mouth alone and allowed the bar-be-que flavored chemicals to melt on my tongue like snowflakes. Bliss, I tell you.
And then I wrote about my experience with potato chips, read it, and realized that I compared potato chips to snowflakes and came to the conclusion that between doing that, wearing open-toe shoes in 58* weather, and having a mind possessing behind, I am definately weird.

MFK Fisher in her essay "Once a Tramp, Always..."

"I can taste-smell-hear-see and then feel between my teeth the potato chips I ate slowly one November afternoon in 1936, in the bar of the Lausanne Palace. They were uneven both in thickness and in color, probably made by a new apprentice in the hotel kitchen, and almost surely they smelled faintly of either chicken or fish, for that was always the case there. They were a little too salty, to encourage me to drink. They were ineffable. I am still nourished by them. That is probably why I can be so firm about not eating my way through barrels, tunnels, mountains more of them here in the land where they hang like square cellophane fruit on wire trees in all the grocery stores, to tempt me sharply every time I pass them."

Quotes of the Day

On Why He Has No Time to Contemplate God
"I have more important things to do with my time. Like study Spanish."
-Dima

When O-Girls Are at Risk...
"Then stop trying to emulate the Edomites!"
-Randy

Must...Finish...Essay...

I don't think having school work to do is safe for my sanity. Take tonight for example. I have an essay ton finalize, fiction short story to write, and Paradise Lost to read for tomorrow. So what did I do? I wrote poems about a tush I don't have and a rant about the one I do...

Unfortunately, it's so not voluptuously rotund that "studying this subject further" isn't even necessary (although with help from all these hamantashen I've been having it just might become one!). It’s flat for the most part...but even on some days it's rotund. Only, not like voluptuously. My tush and I have a love/hate relationship. When I was younger, I never fit in. I didn't fit into my Jewish high school because I had a flat tush (also cause I had boobs, but that's another essay). I don't fit into my predominantly African-American and Puerto Rican college because I have a flat tush. So I hate my tush. But then I eat a lot in hopes that it gets big and it gets big, but not like the cute little bubbley tushes of my Jewish counterparts...oh no, all the cute little bubbleiness in my body gets greedily taken by my boobs and they don't let any other parts of my body have any so my tush is deprived. It's like the middle child.

And then I went into my school work archives (I'm very organized) and read a bunch of sillinesses I had to write for homework in English 300 this past summer. This one in particular. Total diphthong-worthy...

(My teacher's assignment was to take the sentence that was on the board when we came into the room and turn it into a dialogue:)

"People like your dad," dramatic pause, "is what makes America the greates country in the world."
Putting down his paper, he looks to me for encouragement.
"Are."
"Are?"
"People are. A person is."
He just looks at me. Maybe he sees me, I don’t know, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
"You said ‘people like.’ Correct?"
Nodding, he averts his huge eyes to the paper to make sure. It was then that I knew he was doomed.
"Well, when the subject is plural the verb is plural." I am talking to a wall. Nevertheless, I persist. "They should always match. So, people--many persons--are. Not is."
"Oh, okay...okay," he musters with whatever pieces of dignity he can find. "I understand."
He pushes the speech to me along with his pen. Apparently, he didn’t understand. I fix the "is" and add a "t" to the end of "greates." I should have waited to have my epiphany for now.
He’s doomed.
I have to lie.
"But, y’know, other than that--I really like it. As a matter of fact, I’d even say it’s great. Really…great!"
For the first time since looking down, he looks up at me. Not that he can see anything past his hair, but looking up is a start.
"For real?" He asks while pushing his stubbornly disobedient hair back.
Whoa. His eyes are humonganoid.
"Erm-hm. For real." And I offer a smile.
Why not? He is stunning. Dumb, but stunning.
I wish sometimes that you can freeze a moment and put it away for a day when you’re bored without conspicuously taking out a camera and flashing the moment away. The look on his face was definately worth that lie. At least in my book, and that’s all that really counts anyway.
"So you think I’ll get the job?"
I was fearing that.
"With Hallmark? Are you kidding? You’re a natural!!!" He gives me another one of those kept-moment-worthy smiles and tries bulldozing his hair from his eyes another time.

Such a Sorry Case

I wonder if Professor Hotness gives points for creativity. See, I’ve been thinking that this essay I wrote about my relationship with my mother as I’m becoming an adult is too cliché. Considering that my last essay was about my dealings with the morons in charge at Hunter with regard to the stupid Nazi sign, I need to start writing about fun topics. Like body parts. And since I’m getting a little bored with my style, I am going to open my mind and express my ideas in poetry.

My Rotund Rear

I’ve been told that what’s behind
is behind and to look to the future
for new ideas.
But why bother, when what’s behind me
Is a voluptuously rotund rear?

Okay, so maybe that’s just a fantasy of mine (to have a voluptuously rotund rear), but hey--I can use poetic license.

Quotes of the Day

How to Tell Someone's Knowledge of Geography is Worse than Mine...
"Do you want to go on a road trip to the Pope's funeral?"
-Doni

On Needing Rachmanut. Badly.
"I'm becoming you! Today my teacher was testing me and he said, 'what are the two signs a fish is kosher?' and I said, 'skins and fales!'"
-Joshy

Quote of the Month!

With 61% of the voters thinking
it was aaaaaaahahahaha! worthy...

On What She Did This Shabbos:
"And then I went to my grandma's and she talked to me about masturbation."

Is the winning Quote of the Day!
Congratulations:
Eliana!

*****************************************

With 50% of the voters thinking
it was aaaaaaahahahaha! worthy...

Upon Hearing that I Have a Secret Facebook Stalker:
"I would think that dorky pic would repel any potential stalkers."

Is the running-up Quote of the Day!

Congratulations:
Randy!

*****************************************

With 50% of the voters thinking
it was aaaaaaahahahaha! worthy...

On Current Events:
"Kyrgyzstan's claim to fame is having a 10-letter name with only one real vowel."

Is the running-up Quote of the Day!
Congratulations:
Randy!

*****************************************

With 50% of the voters thinking
it was aaaaaaahahahaha! worthy...

While Avidly Studying Doni's Psychology of Human Sexuality Book:
"This is Porn, the text book."

Is the running-up Quote of the Day!
Congratulations:
Randy!

*****************************************

Third place goes to...
On His Favorite Topics (That Would be Me and Dorkiness): "It's not like there's a threshold of dorkiness you haven't passed."
Congratulations: Randy!

and

Fourth place/honorable mention goes to...
Deep Thoughts: "If I was blind, I wouldn't be able to see."
Congratulations: Miryam!

*****************************************
First Prize Winner will receive:
A HUG!
Courtesy of My Arms, Int'l

Runner-Up will receive:
A KISS!
courtesy of My Gorgeous Lips, Inc.

Third Place Winner will receive:
A Kick in the Tushy for calling me by my nickname in a message sent out to over 500 people!
Courtesy of This Kick-Ass Doxed-Out Nash

Fourth Place/Honorary Mention Winner will receive:
A personal yoga instructor and bleeeeeeeeeeeeep!
Courtesy of the MHS Chest Team Co-Captain '03

And Cease the Pain of Your Useless and Pointless Knowledge

It's almost 4am (fake time) and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because there is a pain in my back so huge and so bad that no matter which direction I turn, I am hurting. No matter where I put my right arm, I'm hurting. This situation: not good.
There has to be about eight hundred million little knots in my back that run the length of my right shoulder blade and are as wide as the area from my right shoulder blade to my spine. Does this suck? Yes.
But it's even worse now because between Friday and now, my father, two brothers, mother, and hot lesbian cousin lover all tried massaging me...only they don't really know what they're doing. So now I'm in muscle pain and nerve pain. Actually, I take that back. My youngest brother kept hitting my back with his fist, so maybe that's why it's hurting even more now.
I don't know; I just want it to go away. And to sleep.

*need I even mention who the title is accredited to?

Quote of the Day

On the Might of the M&M
"Ew. I hate dark chocolate and I hate peanut M&M's. Okay, maybe I don't hate peanut M&M's."
-Miryam

Randy Agadi: Superstar!

Randy felt very important today and decided that when the MFFC:HCC hits 500 members, he is going to autograph boobs. I let him autograph me...on my ankle!