Quotes of the Day

On Defending Yourself with Style
"I may be gorgeous, but I'm not that brilliant."
-Miryam

The Last Thing You'd Want to Hear if Your Period were Late
"You look pregnant. ...Return that dress!"
-My Mother

Quote of the Day

Why Men Don't Have Boobs
"I think that if guys had boobs we would never get anything done because we would keep wondering how we got boobs."
-Doni

Picnic in the Park

We picniced yesterday next to the trees that look like they're having sex.

Well, okay, maybe not everyone agreed, but I had class out in Central Park one day with Professor du Hottness and I was really just writing notes to the woman sitting to my left the entire time. Incidentally, to my left were also the sex trees. I guess when you stare at that for an hour straight, you start seeing things.

The picnic was really nice! I brought Zahava, Jon brought Milicent, Deborah brought Sarah (who, despite her name and looks, isn't Jewish), Dima brought his sister, and Randy, Moishele, Miryam, Eliana, Nukes, Steve, and I were there, too. Theeeen, Michael from Kosher Eucharist, who was in N'York for the weekend before going on Birthright, came to join us! I discovered my secretly hidden away until yesterday talent: I am sick at frisbee. That is, I'm a total natural and with just a little skill development I will be the frisbee mistress! And theeeeeeeeeeeen, Deborah's friend Alex (hello hottie) and Jon's friend Dan came. Dan and I were in Sociology 100 together. Cool.

Here's to Sleep

The simplest way to fall asleep, I find, is to cry myself into it. Unfortunately (or not), I'm not very sad or emotional right now. So crying isn't going to happen. What's worse is that instead of being able to shut down my computer, turn down my light, and conk out, I am usually at my most creative between 2-4 and 7-9 am. Right now when my eyes are burning and I'm dying to fall asleep? Oh, my mind's a-creatin'.

That's right, I'm writing a story. It's a wonderful story with a working title of Laxatives. Yeah, Laxatives.

For every day of shooting a film, there's like 3 or 4 minutes of actual usable footage. For every 'graph I write, or maybe even page, there's about one good line I might keep.

So why am I up at 2:55am, alone in bed with my laptop on? Why, it's because I'm writing a story full of crap, of course.

Quote of the Day

Why He's Not in Government
"You know what they should bring back? Foot binding. Now, there's a great trend."
-Randy

Quotes of the Month

Here are the Quote of the Month results!

First Place

[ [ [ Steve ] ] ]

for Correspondence from Europe... "We had so many quotes of the day for you but we got stoned and forgot to write it down."

Second Place

[ [ Randy ] ]

for In an Attempt to Prove that He Uses the Word "Vagina" as Part of His Everday Lexicon More Often Than I Do..."So I vagina to the store today."

Third Place (three ties!):

[ Doni ]

for Of STD's and Daughters "Chlamydia is my favorite STD because its name is so pretty. I wish I could name my daughter after it."

[ Jon ]
for Life Lessons by Jon "If a guy is ever looking at your face when he first meets you, you know he's gay."

[ Steve ]

for When Getting High Is No Longer Enough "I wish I could walk on my hands...the world might really be different upside down. You know, philosophically."

Since I included an "I Don't Get It..." category, I thought it'd be fun to list the top three most misunderstood quotes. So, here they are:

In Response to My Inquiry About Giving Her Son Challah (Because He was Hungry) "Oh, I didn't even think of that!"

How To Know You Have a Psychic Computer "My font just changed by itself! It sensed my ferociousness in that statement."

Lessons for Life "G-d is not very fond of gratuitous waterworks."

And now, for my favorite responses. Just by the way, the correct answer would have been, "those are the cupcakes you baked for Miryam's birthday because you are the absolute coolest person in the world."

So since there's no picture, for the time being I'd like to write an ode to the "Heh" category of this survey. There are many types of "Heh"s that i make through out the day. Sometimes "heh"s of relief, or grief, but in this survey the "heh"s were limited to "what the hell?" or "heh, could have been funnier" or "heh, heh, heh," the evil cackle. Just proves to show that no body knows what one's thinking online... and it makes me wonder. And for the picture which i just saw, Dina, I knight you as the fairest baker of them all. My birthday's just around the corner:}!

oh dina its like a sea of magicall colorsmade of sugar that i can swim thorugh. I believe you made them for mosges birthday...but all i wanna do is make a cnanonball and swim around these sweet things that make me go nuts for sugar sticker picjer licker aggg i understadn man i just wanna sweer in a apoool of blue bluers..

Those are the cupcakes you made for Yam-Yam's b-day of course! (mmmmmmm… I must say they were quite palatable) Why is Dina Dorkinsky the coolest person I know? Well, it is the year 2132 and after a bitter battle between man & machine that lasted several decades, the machines finally utilize their secret weapon: a poisonous gas that shall once and for all kill off the human race. However, it turns out this nefarious plot does not yield its intended outcome, since the gas is only effective against all those who do not fall under the categories of dork, geek and dweeb. Since dorks are at the top of this hierarchy of pariahs – and Dina, as we know, is the Queen of Dorkness – it only logical that she will be the coolest person I know. So 32Dina, now we must defeat these dastardly droids and re-populate the world together ;-) Long live Flash Dina, savior of the universe!

Dr. Shmendy's School of Etiquette

Over Shabbos, Miryam and I decided that there are a few people we know desperate for...

Dr. Shmendy's School of Etiquette!

Meet Dr. Shmendy. Although Shmendy goes to an all boys college, he knows how to treat a woman. Does he say "thank you," "please," and hold doors? Oh yes, he does. But even more than that, he knows how to compliment.

"Shmendy, would you like some soup?"
"Yum, yum, is that vegetable?"
"Why yes, it is!"
"Vegetable is just my favorite soup of all time! How gracious of you to make some."

After eating properly (making scoops away from himself) with his soup spoon (located to the right of his bowl--the bigger one):

"My, what wonderful soup! Thank you."

Now, allow me to ask how simple that was. How simple was that? He didn't fib. He didn't have to make gross exaggerations. Just a light, "My, what wonderful soup! Thank you," worked beautifully.

Wondering what could go wrong if this simple formula for making a woman who goes out of her way to do something nice to you isn't followed? Just look to Millard Fillmore, our 13th president. He was a respected man; but after all he said was, "the nourishment is palatable," of his wife's soup, he died a mysterious death. Let this be a lesson to you!

To sign up for lessons at Dr. Shmendy's School of Etiquette, email Shmendy at the_real_ladys_man@jewfood.com.

Quote of the Day

On Personal Space
"I don't know how I am about that. I mean, I pick other people's noses. Doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose?"
-Zahava

Quote of the Day

Commenting on His Picture
"You can sort of see my facial growth."
-Doni

Quotes of the Day

Moishele: "So, the Staff and Foculty at Hunter..."
3 minutes pass
Helen, the O-girl in disguise: "Speaking of f*cking,"
(yeah, she said that totally out of the blue and Moishele didn't even say fucklty.)

Untitled.
"Now, where's my light saber?"
-Randy

My First Faux Fan letter

Reads:
To Dina,
It was so nice to meet you.
love always,
Gregg H. Allman

P.S. I love your site ilovejewfood.blogspot.com

Someone slipped this into my bag today. I have a feeling it was the person who likes adding middle initials to everyone's names (e.g. Daniel J. Berger, Dina J. P.). The only thing that would have given the perpetrator's identity away more obviously would have been a J. in place of the "H." of Gregg H. Allman. Then again, I know it wasn't Miryam and she and Doni were the only other ones in the room at the time. :)

Quote of the Day

Upon Hearing that I Don't Watch The Simpsons
"If I had some kind of emergency kit right now, I'd totally break the glass!"
-Randy

Be Tznius!

I designed a new tee for Punks, but it's a lil risque...



If you can't read what it says, here's a larger version:



The copy was Steve's idea, so here's his review:
"I have never met anyone who can put the thoughts I have in my mind in a nice 60's sexually explicit yet Torah friendly design... I LOVE YOU!"

You can pick up your copy at the Punks of Zion store.

Quote of the Day

The First Step to World Peace
"Honestly, if people had sex with me more often, I think this world would be a better place."
-Steve

I Need a Job

Today I did my research and found out that I could become a librarian with a Masters in English. It's always been a dream of mine to be a librarian. I even have it documented in an away message for my old, old screenname on my family computer:

"I remember how you used to tell me that you really wanted to be a librarian, and I thought you had starved yourself like one day too many, but now- I really want to get a job as a librarian." -sara bara

So, after compiling a list of my skills and abilities, I've come up with a list of possible occupations I can see myself doing in the future:

Professional Procrastinator
Foley Artist
Martha Stewart
Gorgeous Shoe Collector
Professional Celebrity Stalker
Porn Writer
Personal Baketress
Bag Trainer and Walker
Jewelry Designer
Rabbi
Restaurant Owner
Rock Star
Librarian and Writer

It's Dylan's Birthday

I just send a happy birthday note to Robert Zimmerman of UChicago, my husband on thefacebook.
One of my favorite Dylan songs is Girl of the North Country Fair he does with Johnny Cash. Something about that song makes me feel like he's even in love with me and I don't even have long hair.

Something else I love is that if you listen to some Dylan songs while reading the lyrics to them, they don't go. I don't know what it is about this amazing hottie, but he always mixes up stanzas. Oh, I love him.

And now, for the lyrics to one of my favorite Dylan songs:

Well, there was this movie I seen one time,
About a man riding 'cross the desert and it starred Gregory Peck.
He was shot down by a hungry kid trying to make a name for himself.
The townspeople wanted to crush that kid down and string him up by the neck.
Well, the marshal, now he beat that kid to a bloody pulp
as the dying gunfighter lay in the sun and gasped for his last breath.
Turn him loose, let him go, let him say he outdrew me fair and square,
I want him to feel what it's like to every moment face his death.
Well, I keep seeing this stuff and it just comes a-rolling in
And you know it blows right through me like a ball and chain.
You know I can't believe we've lived so long and are still so far apart.
The memory of you keeps callin' after me like a rollin' train.
I can still see the day that you came to me on the painted desert
In your busted down Ford and your platform heels
I could never figure out why you chose that particular place to meet
Ah, but you were right. It was perfect as I got in behind the wheel.
Well, we drove that car all night into San Anton'
And we slept near the Alamo, your skin was so tender and soft.
Way down in Mexico you went out to find a doctor and you never came back.
I would have gone on after you but I didn't feel like letting my head get blown off.
Well, we're drivin' this car and the sun is comin' up over the Rockies,
Now I know she ain't you but she's here and she's got that dark rhythm in her soul.
But I'm too over the edge and I ain't in the mood anymore to remember the times when I was your only man
And she don't want to remind me. She knows this car would go out of control.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls,
teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world,
Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
Well, we crossed the panhandle and then we headed towards Amarillo
We pulled up where Henry Porter used to live.
He owned a wreckin' lot outside of town about a mile.
Ruby was in the backyard hanging clothes, she had her red hair tied back.
She saw us come rolling up in a trail of dust.
She said, "Henry ain't here but you can come on in, he'll be back in a little while."
Then she told us how times were tough and about how she was thinkin' of bummin' a ride back to where she started.
But ya know, she changed the subject every time money came up.
She said, "Welcome to the land of the living dead." You could tell she was so broken-hearted.
She said, "Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt."
"How far are y'all going?" Ruby asked us with a sigh.
"We're going all the way 'til the wheels fall off and burn,
'Til the sun peels the paint and the seat covers fade and the water moccasin dies."
Ruby just smiled and said, "Ah, you know some babies never learn."
Something about that movie though, well I just can't get it out of my head
But I can't remember why I was in it or what part I was supposed to play.
All I remember about it was Gregory Peck and the way people moved
And a lot of them seemed to be lookin' my way.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls,
teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world,
Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
Well, they were looking for somebody with a pompadour.
I was crossin' the street when shots rang out.
I didn't know whether to duck or to run, so I ran.
"We got him cornered in the churchyard," I heard somebody shout.
Well, you saw my picture in the Corpus Christi Tribune. Underneath it, it said, "A man with no alibi."
You went out on a limb to testify for me, you said I was with you.
Then when I saw you break down in front of the judge and cry real tears,
It was the best acting I saw anybody do.
Now I've always been the kind of person that doesn't like to trespass but sometimes you just find yourself over the line.
Oh if there's an original thought out there, I could use it right now.
You know, I feel pretty good, but that ain't sayin' much. I could feel a whole lot better,
If you were just here by my side to show me how.
Well, I'm standin' in line in the rain to see a movie starring Gregory Peck,
Yeah, but you know it's not the one that I had in mind.
He's got a new one out now, I don't even know what it's about
But I'll see him in anything so I'll stand in line.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls,
teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world, Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
You know, it's funny how things never turn out the way you had 'em planned.
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter is that his name wasn't Henry Porter.
And you know there was somethin' about you baby that I liked that was always too good for this world
Just like you always said there was something about me you liked that I left behind in the French Quarter.
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent.
And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on."
There was a movie I seen one time, I think I sat through it twice.
I don't remember who I was or where I was bound.
All I remember about it was it starred Gregory Peck, he wore a gun and he was shot in the back.
Seems like a long time ago, long before the stars were torn down.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls,
teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world,
Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.

Copyright © 1986 Special Rider Music

Quotes of the Day

On Stupid People
"You would think that Darwinism would have killed them off. But no, they're still thinking and breeding."
-Tova

Oh, He So Loves Me!
"Crazy hippy. Soon you're gonna be wearing hemp shoes, never wash you clothes, complain about the world and use Sacagewea coins!"
-Randy

Vote on the Quotes!

It's that time of month again!

La La La

I am so damn happy right now.

I started my day with an ice cream sandwich and a purchase of an Allman Brothers live in 1995 (hello Dickey Betts) tape for a buck at the library. This here is a tape that will never be matched in awesomeness as long as I live, I bet. Then, on my way into school, I dropped a chummus covered slice of cucumber into my lap and onto my white skirt while driving. No fears there though because Miryam ran into Food Emporium and bought me a box of Oxi-Clean wipes and it came right out!

Next, I went to drop my essay off at my Professor du Hotness who was all smiling like a 14 year-old boy the whole time. Plus, he looked mad hot in a tee-shirt and jeans--a combo he never wears when he has to teach. As if just looking hot for me wasn't enough, he had to say, "is this the essay you wanted to revise, because you got an A on it?"
"No, I thought I got an A-."
"No," laughter. "You got an A."
"Oh...well, I guess it can go higher anyway?"
He laughed because he so likes me, oh hotness that he is.

Then I had my last Fiction Workshop class because my professor decided to give us a class in the time slot during which we should be having a final. I read my story to the class and they were actually laughing at some parts. I didn't realize it was a funny story, but kal hakavod.

And the new HaKol came out today!!!

Quotes of the Day

How We Know Randy Watches Too Much TV
"Note to self: stop underestimating Dina. Note to self: buy new batteries for fake cassettee recorder."
-Randy

On Being Jewish and Not a Doctor
"All shabbos I have a had a slight headache and I dont know why. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I was hit in the head with a baseball bat. I don't know--I'm not a doctor."
-Doni

My Goddess!

Today is the happiest day of my life.

Ruth Reichl is the hottest person in the world. I love her. Not only can she cook like a goddess, but she can write like a genius, be the coolest person in the world, and still have the awesomest hair EVER. And today, I look like her. That's right, folks, I am totally gonna be Ruth Reichl when I grow up!

This is Ruth Reichl:


+
This is another picture of her:


=
And this is me:

I'm Passing Out from Laughter

Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?"

How great are online quizzes?

What's Your Star Wars Pickup Line?

Peonies, Penes, and Pratfalls

I have a problem. There is a flower shop on the corner of 69th and Lexington with some of the most beautiful arrangements around. Usually, when I walk past the window of this shop, my pace slows, my attention is drawn to the flowers, and I find myself having a shtickle out-of-body experience.
On Wednesday, I decided that the time to actually step in had come and I did so. I started walking around and noticed the most amazing flower ever. With bajillions of petals, this flower reminded me of the ones we'd make out of tissue paper back in 1st grade. It was soft and white. It was huge and round. It was amazing.
"Excuse me," I said to the lady in the store. "What kind of flowers are these?"
"Peonies."
Peonies. Pronounced pee-neez. I always thought it was pronounced pee-oh-neez. I was wrong. Peonies is one of the plural forms of penis. There's penises and there's penes. This flower that is just the essence of exquision is called many penis. I felt like crying.

Quotes of the Day

On Being a "Blogging Slut"
"Now that I'm addicted to blogging it's just a matter of time till I spend all day in Starbucks drinking my "grande latte" and organizing hippy fag protests! Dina, I hope you're proud of yourself!"
-Doni


Upon Discovering that He Indeed Has the $30 Needed to Purchase a Virgin
"I don't know what I'd do with her, but it wouldn't be the first impulse purchase I've made."
-Michael

No More Pencils, No More Books...

Sample letter to send Professor Hotness out of hakarat hatov:

Dear Professor,

After sitting through your class all semester, I'd like to say thanks. Not only did I enjoy the class discussions we had, but through the comments you made and workshops on my papers, my writing has improved immensely. I want to have sex with you because all my Jewish friends make me use a sheet. Thank you!

With much love,
Dina

Welcome Katie

Wow. Katie Brownell of upstate New York not only pitched a perfect game for her little league team, but struck all the hitters out! Damn, this 11 year-old is cool!
And she too is an April O'Neil Club member! (The April O'Neil Club is the club for girls who are always the only girls in their group of friends or social situation.)

Freckles, The Enemy

Something horrible is happening. I just looked in the mirror before washing my face and noticed my first few fiendish freckles of the summer. I don't understand how this could have happened, though. I slather my face in spf 45 every morning. I wear my wide-brimmed straw hat when I sit out for an extended period of time. And I was stuck inside for the most part of today, anyway!
About three or four people asked me if I was feeling well today. I was feeling fine, but now I know why I looooked sickly. It's my freckles; they're here and they're unstoppable. The time of year I look my worst is when I have freckles and my face is yet to be tanned. They come out first and full-force and now, they're here.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

Quotes of the Day

On Impossible Feats
"My goal in life is to out JEW YOU! ...Wait till I wear my wig and tallith at the same time!"
-Steve

When Getting High Is No Longer Enough
"I wish I could walk on my hands...the world might really be different upside down. You know, philosophically."
-Steve

I Wanna Go Out

It's a stunning day out and I'm stuck inside writing. Totally sucks to have a dead battery in my laptop.

Quote of the Day

Why I Love Straightforwardly Cool Kids
"You're very pretty."
-a few 7th grade girls

(sorry, did you think I wasn't gonna quote that?)

Untitled

I just wanna say that I wrote something to post but the last line was really sad, so like the post I never posted yesterday because it turned out really depressing, I've decided not to post it. I'm sure you all appreciate my consideration and thoughtfulness. Have a layla tov and a happy day tomorrow!

Quotes of the Day

On Teharat Mishpacha...And Then Some
"When you marry, will you shake my hand? Unless we get married...otherwise we will have to shake hands through holes in sheets."
-Steve

On The Wonderful World of the Human Body
"If your foot has 26 bones surely your vagina can do something as simple as IM."
-Deborah

A Dork Can Never Be Lonely

Here's a little morning ditty inspired by this article that I just read on NYTimes.com!

I am not the only dork,

I am not the only dork,

I am not the only doooooooooooooooooooooork,

Obsessed with different fonts.

Obsessed with different fonts,

Obsessed with different fonts,

I am not the only dooooooooooooooooooooooork,

Obsessed with different fonts!

My Day Was...Yucky

You know how sometimes you're just having one of those days that starts with waking up to blemishy skin and stubbornly messy hair, continues in the same way when you go to the gym looking yucky and sweaty and there's that hot guy you've had a crush on for the past five years, and only gets worse as you get an anxiety attack at the gym for the first time since high school and realize as the day progresses, to quote Miss Clavel, "something is not right" but you can't place your finger on it?
Well, that was my day and tomorrow--I look SO forward to you--you better be happy!

Quotes of the Day

Campaign Techniques from Sara
"Oh you know- I didn't realize I had so many enemies. People are going around bashing me in the dorms, but I can deal. I'm giving out twizzlers tomorrow to counteract."
-Sara E.

On Being Talented
"See? Psychologists do read minds. Just kidding! ...But not really."
-Miryam

Aaaaaaw!

Hahhahahahahhahahaha! I'm so bored I took another online quiz.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Earthy Day

Today, I planted some flowers out front with my mother and father. How cool is nature?

And my behind?

Series of Dreams

I've been having a very strange series of dreams.
Friday night I had a dream in which I was pregnant. As baby obsessed as I am, this was a first for me--surprise, surprise. I just remember some strange elements from it. Like, I went to the hospital with my mother and the guy's whole family in a mini-van. I didn't really know his family because we weren't married or anything but it was all good (possible that I was raped or something because earlier that day my father was learning with my brother and talking about Shechem and Dinah and I said to my mother something like, "took is a pretty soft way of saying raped."). There was one point when I turned to my mother and said, "ma, why did everyone come with us? I'm not in labor--it's just my due date and it's my first baby so I wanna see the doctor" but she didn't have an answer. Also, I remember that I went into a bathroom like room and I looked at myself sideways in the bathroom mirror and noticed that I only looked like 2 or 3 months pregnant (barely, if at all) and I thought, "am I really pregnant? I didn't even get a sonogram." But then I realized, "oh, my stomach's just very small because I starved myself when I first got pregnant since I thought I was getting fat and didn't realize I was having a baby. I hope the baby's not deformed from that." Also, when I settled into the room I'd be staying in, it was like all mahoganies and deep maroons and golds and it was actually quite beautiful even though that's not really my look. The bed was huge with looooooooooads of pillows and the walls had mahogany panelling (it was totally like an old study) but then I walked down the hall and found out that there was a communal bathroom. As in no doors to the separate toilets either! And I was trying to come up with ways that I could avoid going to the bathroom when other ladies are around cause I was pregnant and pregnant people go to the bathroom all the time. And then I had a baby! And he was a gorgeous munchkin who spoke. So I was holding him, but instead of the dark room I had had before, I was like in one of the crosswalks at Hunter and there was lots of light, even though is wasn't Hunter and to the right and back was the room where the babies sleep. Did I mention that my baby talked? Kinda like Family Guy, only he wasn't psycho. He was mad cool and no one believed me that he was a talking baby. I can't remember at which point I woke up.
When I told my mother some of my dream, she told me that this babyness has reached epic proportions. However, I would like to point out that the last really bizarre-sticking-out-in-my-mind dream had me like married, or engaged, or to be married and this dream was about being pregnant and having a baby, so at least they're sequential. Even if the guys weren't the same. I bet my next dream is gonna be me like buying dentures.

Quote of the Day

On Why She's Never Had Anal Sex
"It's not like he ever said, 'you have a really hot ass, can I stick my penis there?'"
-My anonymously OTD female friend

I Have a New Phone and It's Totally Hip

How cool is this new camera phone thing?

Now I can look at Miryam for the five minutes a day that I don't see her. And myself...
when I forget how cool I am!

Haha! I think someone didn't get enough sleep this shabbat...

Quote of the Day

On Relativity
"My mentor says that cool by dork standards doesn't signify much."
-Randy

Quotes of the Day

While Describing a Teacher...
"You know that cheesy grin Randy gets when he's thinking of something evil, like taking over the world?"
-Helen

In Response to Nukes's Plans for the Future
"Oh yeah, it's like, 'I'll go to JTS or Chafetz Chaim, whatever.'"
-Nedenah

I Wrote Another Story!

I have to say that I just completed the most amazing story I've ever written. See, I can't write fiction, it's just this block I have against it. So I wrote an autobiographical story titled, "And It's Into the Lion's Den for Me." Of course, that title has nothing to do with the story, but since I renamed a person Daniel, I figured, "what the heck?" So yeah, I am now the mistress of semi-fictional works about myself in addition to being the mistress of informal essays about, you got it, myself. :) Have a great day, all, cause I am FLOATING on happiness now!

Quotes of the Day

Of STD's and Daughters
"Chlamydia is my favorite STD because its name is so pretty. I wish I could name my daughter after it."
-Doni

On Girlfriends and Girlfriends
"Dina and I would totally set you up with someone. If we had any other friends..."
-Miryam

My Day: A Diary of Pictures

I wanted to go to Central Park today to do some school work.

I ended up going along with Tova, Dima, this girl Jessica, and this other girl and guy I didn't know.

For some reason, my laptop decided that it didn't want to work. So I took pictures. Of grass...while they were smoking a different kind of grass. (They excludes me and Tova.)

Here's Tova the model showing off Jessica's really cool pink flask.

Then I went back to school and had sing-along with Itamar while sitting in a very unflattering position. :)

Later on, Mir, Doni, Nukes, and Moishele came to hang out in the Hillel room.

I very badly needed a coffee, so I offered anyone in the Hillel room to buy me one. Moishele lost "Rock, Paper, Scissors--Shoot!" so...he had to buy me one! Here's a picture of us right before Moishele's first date ever! (Note the totally frum FLOWERS in between us!)

Annnnnnnd, last but not least....THE BIRTHDAY BOY! Here's Randalls, the now 22 year-old, opening the gift Mir and I bought him!

Happy Birthday, sweetums!

I Love People

I'm pretty sure that this is the strangest e-mail I've ever gotten.

Q: Does the Lord question your heathen acts?
A: He does.
Be damned thee demons!! Rock and Roll is the Devil's muse!
Disclaimer

On Tissue Boxes of the Smashed Kind

There seems to be a strange marathon of smashed tissue boxes occupying the space on top of the toilet in the kids' bathroom of my house. If there are two things I can't stand, it's smashed tissue boxes and stickers stuck to dressers.
Due to a tissue shortage, we have been forced to use tissue boxes from my sister's car, my mother said when questioned. Sad. So seriously sad. If I had known this was the cause, I would have been sure to pick up a few boxes of tissues on one of my outings today.
There's something about a smashed tissue box that just makes my skin curl into goosebumps. Of course, it's no big deal really, if you think about it. All I have to do when faced with one of those horrendous boxes is exchange it for a clean, crisp one. But still, if it can be avoided, I try.
There are times, of course, when I forget to warn people coming into my car and sitting in the passenger's seat that there is a tissue box in their floor space. That happened once, and I remembered halfway through the car ride home that I never mentioned it to the person sitting next to me. So I turned to him and asked if he had smashed my tissue box. Wrong phrasing and tone, apparently--but nothing compared to what went on in my head (which went something like this, "wow, the stars look gorgeous tonight. I wish I weren't the one driving so I could be looking at them. I wish I were in the passenger's seat...passenger's seat has a tissue box. TISSUE BOX WITHOUT A WARNING!!! I didn't tell him it's there!!! I hope he didn't smash it.").
Recently, I've been wondering if I had a bad experience with a smashed tissue box once that they should invoke such strong feelings from me. I came up with nothing.
I guess there are some peeves that just can't be justified.

Quotes of the Day

On What Really Matters
"At least three of my teachers got chili peppers on ratemyprofessor, so I'm happy."
-Doni

Well, You Had Me at "Hello"
"My phone is particularly receptive to getting naked pictures of attractive females."
-my totally OTD friend

At the Car Wash

I hate car washs. When I was younger, I thought they were soooooooo cool, but now they freak me out. I'm not saying that I just don't like them. I don't mean that when I think "carwash" my next thought is "eh." I mean I really, really hate them.
My car was so covered in green pollen smut that I could hardly see out of my back window today. That meant, of course, that I had no choice. I had to go for a much dreaded car wash.
I pulled up to the car wash place and, as usual, I didn't know when to put my car into neutral. But then, I'm just a very unskilled car-being-car-washed-driver. Suddenly these things started hitting my car in the face. Then they hit my car from the sides. I really don't know what I saw in car washs when I was younger, because now all they do is make my heart pound mad fast in an attempt to get out of my chest and, by extension, the car wash.
It took about five minutes of driving AFTER the car wash for my legs to stop shaking. Oy.

Quote of the Day

On Humor
"Any reference to boobs is funny. It's in the comedy handbook."
-Randy

Bake Off!!!

I won the Bake-Off today. For more information, see here.

Quotes of the Day

Life Lessons by Jon:
"If a guy is ever looking at your face when he first meets you, you know he's gay."
-Jon

One of Life's Many Unanswerable Questions...
"Are dorks raised in a dorkatorium?"
-Randy

Water and a Hallelukah

I am a huge Bryant Park fan, but Thursday was the first time I ever saw the fountain functioning. Can I take this as a simun that good things are coming?

Quote of the Day

On Her Brain
"Or maybe it just got knocked over and that's why it doesn't always work right--because I knock things over."
-Tova

Wow!

My friend Jon sent me a picture of this painting he just wrote a paper on cause he thinks it's gorgeous. Well guess what...I may not have known who painted it, but I knew that it's huge and located in the corner room of the Frick because I LOVE THE FRICK and loooooooved these. There are like three or four very similar ones in that room. Amazingly gorgeous. (huge=approximately 8x5 feet or so)

Quote of the Day

Upon Realizing We Have Nothing to Talk About Because We've Discussed Everything There Is!
"Oy, we're like an old married couple."
-Randy

Hot Guy

For a while, Nedenah's been telling me that the prof we both have looks like the guy from Amityville Horror. But I never saw it, so I didn't know. Tonight Nedenah sent me this:

Of course, he'd have to work out like 5 hours a day to get like that but here, if you were wondering, is the reason he's Professor Hotness.

Quote of the Day

On the January 26th, 1978 Cover of Rolling Stone Magazine Featuring a Photograph of Dylan and Copy in the Corner Reading "Steven Spielberg Talks About His Close Encounters":
"Oh, this must've been the Jewish edition."
-Miryam

The Cheese Stands Alone

Gourney cheese is amazing.

More to follow...

Quote of the Day

In Response to My Inquiry About Giving Her Son Challah (Because He was Hungry)
"Oh, I didn't even think of that!"
-My Cousin's Wife

Quotes of the Day

On the Intricacies of Bird-Killing
"But we didn't do something stupid. We put it over a heater and we didn't realize."
-Miryam

In an Attempt to Prove that He Uses the Word "Vagina" as Part of His Everday Lexicon More Often Than I Do...
"So I vagina to the store today."
-Randy

Husbandability

I made myself a husbandability Excel spreadsheet. What can I say--I was bored and curious! I made three columns that were all out of ten: husband material, compatibility, and bedness. I basically got the score from counting the first two columns twice and the third once. Although I think I should switch that cause if I'm only gonna have sex with one person in my life, it's a big factor :)... Regardless, I think the numbers were fixed.
The lowest scorer got an 18 out of 50. 18! That seems a little high for the lowest scorer. And in addition to that, I had to fudge some numbers because I didn't know. I didn't hook up with most of the guys on my chart--so bedness was oftentimes fabricated. Plus, someone I don't even know but just have a big crush on (emhm, emhm, Professor Hotness) got the highest score! Just goes to show that when you don't know someone it's easiest to get along with them. Actually, that doesn't really work, because the highest scoring compatibility-wise guys were ones I know pretty well.

Quote of the Day

Upon Discovering that Being Away for Two Weeks Can Change Things
"Dude--where's my car?"
-Miryam