"My Complexion," She Said "Is Much Too White"

Remember when the Allman Brothers played Highway 61 for me when I went to see them at the Beacon? Man, I remember it like it was yesterday.
Also, I wish you and yours a very good Shabbos.

Knock, Knock! Who's There? Keith. Keith Who? Keith Me, My Thweet Preenth.

There's always the possibility that my children will not inherit my awesome sense of humor. But I like planning for the best, so I have come up with a plan. I can have my first kid on 07-08-09. Get it? Because 7 ate 9! Which is the punchline of the greatest joke ever.
You must be asking, "are you sure that's the greatest joke ever, Dina, that seems a bit much?" And to you I respond, "yes. Yes indeed." It has simplicity, brilliance, and was there under your nose the whole time.
Just imagine the possibilities! Someone will ask, "so, when's your birthday?" and my child will respond, "why was six afraid of seven?" Naturally, the someone will be confused and say, "pardon?" Ever calm, my child will repeat "why was six afraid of seven?" Awkwardly, the someone will offer "because seven ate nine?" and my child will shout "THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY."
To quote a friend, "Dina's plan proves her to be on par with Newton in brainial capacity."

Sesame Street Rocked...Some of the Time

A few days ago I found the Smokey Robinson "U Really Got a Hold on Me" video from Sesame Street on YouTube. Unfortunately, as a child, there were only two things that scared me more than that clip. One was a nightmare I used to have in which there was a short fat man and a tall skinny man wearing penguin suits and top hats standing in the middle of a white background screaming. One had a high pitched voice and the other had a very low voice and they'd just go "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek" and "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer" respectively. The other thing that scared me was nothing because I was a pretty fearless child.
Anyway, in the Smokey Robinson video, Smokey Robinson stood in the middle of nowhere with a black background singing his song, "You Really Got a Hold on Me" while being attacked by a humongous letter U. I wasn't commitment phobic at the time, I was just the product of two independent parents and couldn't stand the idea of being clung to. By anyone. Ever.
While watching this clip on YouTube, I was freakishly reminded of someone I dated once. Every time I thought that for the sake of being in a relationship I would give and let him say things that made me feel uncomfortable (the list included and was limited to "I miss you"), he would demand more. It wasn't enough for me to stomach his "I miss you"s, I had to respond in kind. Etc. He wasn't for me.
My point in writing this is that until recently, I never thought about this video. Also, until recently, when I did think about this video, I thought I was alone in my sentiment that the U was a scary stalker. But alas, I am not alone. I wrote on the YouTube comment board, "This video cost me hours of sleep as a child. There was nothing I found more frightening. I guess I was always commitment phobic. :)" Which wasn't necessarily true because I did find something more frightening (see above), but it was irrelevant at that point. Over the course of four days, people responded with: "You too, man? For about two weeks, I could not sleep with the lights completely out, I was SO terrified that the big letter U would come running out of the nearby closet to get me. OMG(SHUDDER)." And "You're not alone guys. I used to be really freaked out of this clip when I first saw it. I was only 3. But now I can say is after 20 years of being scared of this clip, my trauma is cured." And such inarticulate comments as, "When I was little I thought that U was the most annoying think ever and it use to get me real fustrated. I was like that hinm go what are you thinking and even now when I watch I still get a little fustrated." And lastly, "This segment used to scare the crap out of me. OMG THE GIANT U IS GOING TO KILL HIM IT'S KILLING HIM SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING"
But why am I forming your opinion for you? Watch the video and you will see.

I Was Wearing Rainboots

My cousin and I were going to do a slow night together. No groups of friends, movies, concerts, hikings, etc. Just us and nothing else. After dropping a friend off to go see a movie with other friends, we drove around midtown a bit to find a spot. We parked on one of those streets where the sidewalk is very skinny because there's construction going on and walked along the street. There was a big SUV on the side of the street, but not parked, so we had to walk around it. When we got to the other side, we were greeted by a very tall frat-boy who stood with his arms open out to the sides.
"Do you wanna dance?" he asked.
Obviously, we walked around him, grabbed each other's arms, and bursted out laughing.

Remember When I Believed in Diplomacy?

I passed a certain particular dean today who avoided catching my eyes for as long as he could. I kept looking at him and when we passed each other he was forced to look at me and nod. Amazing how in a school of 20,000 students, I'm the one the dean tries to avoid. In other news, I'm just awesome at creating awkward situations for people everywhere!

We Hiked Through a Foot of Snow

I'm Still Looking for the Fourth Book

There's a frum guy who works behind the counter at the music store. I don't know who he is, but he looked familiar to me. When I went to the desk, he said, "Trutinsky?" as though that were my name. I was confused, so I said, "what?" He repeated what he had said.
"Trutinsky?"
"Oh," I said in response. Then I filled him in on what my last name actually is (phonetically similar, but not quite the same).
"Yeah!" he said, "How are you?"
"Good. I need a couple of books, I'm figuring they're in the store a door down--you moved that section?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, great." I walked toward the door.
"Nice seeing you again."
"Bye."
I have a habit of getting thrown off when I'm confused and didn't even realize until after I had left that I never asked what his name was. I also acted rude. That was by mistake. Just know that when I get thrown off I'm not in my element.

Sometimes I Have Something to Say, Other Times I Just Ramble

Thursday was my birthday. Indeed, I was born on the ides of March. Thursday was one of those days when something keeps happening. On my way to sign up for piano lessons at the conservatory (awesome birthday present), I spilled coffee all over my skirt. After going from store to store to find a new skirt and not being able to find one in my size that was neither white nor see-through, I found a raincoat long enough to cover the coffee spot on my skirt. When I got to the conservatory, I spent the whole time across the desk from the reception area. The desk came up to my chest and blocked my skirt in completion. But then I had a party and things turned awesome. Also, I went away for a shabbaton with a few friends and had a lot of fun. Then we went skiing on Sunday. Can you say best birthday weekend ever? More instructions will follow.

I Also Would Have Gone with any Green Phone

I told the Verizon man that I had been eyeing the shock-resistant, dust-resistant phone that could be submerged in water for 30 minutes before breaking. He told me it was really for construction men.
"Well, I'm really klutzy with my phone."
"Yeah, but I'm sure..."
I held up my bruised, beaten, and antenna-less phone. "This is my third in two years."
After discussing the construction man phone and realizing that with the car charger, earpiece, and etc. features it was an additional $50 over the already expensive price I was willing to pay for solidness, we took a walk over to the other phones.
"This phone's solid. I go on what people bring back and no one brings this phone back."
He held up one of the nerdiest looking phones in the store.
"Yeah, but it's...not so aesthetically pleasing..."
"But if you're as clumsy as you say you are, you might want to consider this."
So I went with the nerdy looking phone. I'm as embarrassed of being embarrassed of it as I am embarrassed of it.

She's a Summer Love for Spring, Fall and Winter

I passed an old man on my way up the mountain. He was on his way down. When I saw his lips moving, I turned my music off and asked him to repeat what he had said.
"It gets real sloppy up there!"
"Yeah," I said, "it's very hard walking up in this mud."
Sometimes Gd speaks to me in the weirdest places.

When Chances Breathe Between the Silence

There is nothing this clear, spring-smelling weather makes me want to do more than go hiking all day, have a baby, and bake for Pesach. Don't ask me to explain--I don't know. I went hiking for a little bit yesterday and because no one was able to join me (sorry Sara, I didn't know!), I just went to the waterfalls and back. Over the course of the winter, or at least since the last time I was there, the waterfalls froze into layers and layers of very thick white ice--pure beauty. But what made it breathtaking was that there were pockets where the ice must've melted and broken off and through those little windows, there was visible rushing water. I can't describe it so well, but it was so beautiful it made me cry.

And for My Thethith

I love quoting The Offive. I also love quoting real life people who I know and love. Also, sometimes but not often, I'll quote myself. I repeat--NOT OFTEN. Anyway, I was thinking about how much I like remembering certain lines that friends have said because there are times when I'll pull them out of my memory. For example, Chaya once said, "y'know--I really just don't like girls." That wasn't a very good example. Three summers ago, Doni said, "I just heard that a bunch of guys in the grade above me got married. I guess they had nothing better to do." Lucky for him, he met Miryam shortly after that line was spoken and realized that there are other reasons people get married. And at the time, I had a good quote.
The weird part is when someone will tell me something that reminds me of something a friend once said a long time ago and then I'll be too embarrassed to point out that I remember odd details, but that's okay. My point is that if I tell you you said something just believe me. I may have terrible short term memory and even worse word retrieval, but I really do remember lines and exchanges. Here are a few of my recent favorites.

"What? You're drinking coffee every time I see you!"
"But never with caffeine."
"You are out of control."
"Out of control! I am completely out of control!"

"That old lady's you."
"No, she's me."
"She's you and you."
"I meant she's me and you. You and me."

"How are you?"
"Doing well."
"What time did you get in last night?"
"12:30. Well, no I mean 1:30, I left 2:30. 12:30. I got home 1:00."
"Let's start over. How are you?"
"Not as well as I thought I was."

"Oh no! Look--there's a stain on the carpet."
"See? This is what happens when you eat in the house."

"Excuse me while I interrupt your face."

Others, like "your Life is becoming a soggy mess," are best in context. That time someone asked my mother to make him cereal and then went to watch tv. When my mother told him that the cereal was ready and he couldn't eat in the den and had to come to the table, he threw a tantrum. He had a complete and total meltdown that he couldn't eat and watch tv at the same time. After trying to rationalize with him and realizing that wouldn't work, my mother said, "just stop crying. Your Life is becoming a soggy mess." It was so amazing that I smile at how hard all three of us (my mother, the crier, and I) laughed.
Another good example of context is when I was driving with a friend and I think that at some point I put a drink down in the cup holder and accidentally hit the seat warmer thing without realizing it. Anyway, neither of us had said anything for a very long time and then out of nowhere came the, "why's my back getting hot?" Okay, that doesn't sound funny even when I put it in context. I guess for some you just had to be there.
Which reminds me of something else that was said this Shabbos. Everyone at the table was laughing over something I didn't hear.
"What's so funny?"
"Oh nothing."
"No, tell me."
"What ever, you had to be there."
"But I was there."
That too is not so funny. Actually, that sounds rather depressing.
In other news, remember QOTD?

"You see--a little bit of light and suddenly you realize everybody's not a snake." Shabbat shalom.

I Wish I Were a Volunteer Sheriff on the Weekend

I just want to make clear how much I hate how movements and point-making ruin my life. Tonight I found out that some girls will make Hamotzi on Shabbos as a thing. AS A THING. I don't know why I should care so much about what other people do, but I happen to absolutely love cutting the challah. As a matter of fact, even on a regular Shabbos when my father is home, I'm the one who takes the rest of the challah into the kitchen, cuts it up, and brings it back out on a tray. I even love baking challah. I used to love all things challah related, but now my Hamotzi innocence is lost and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Ever. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Am I the Only Person Who Doesn't Like Arcade Fire?

I thought that writing my embarrassing Donatello story down would help put it behind me but, apparently, I thought wrong. You see, anyone who loves Donatello finds it highly offensive when others mock him or put him down. Which is how Adam Murray, creator of Drastic Comics and friend of mine, felt when he read my post two posts down. Which is why he drew up a little slice of revenge. And I love it. I'd just re-post it for free on here, but Adam made it his buzzcomix voting incentive, so I'm going to make you vote instead. Go ahead. Click here, vote, and then you'll see it. It's totally worth it. :)

Happy Two Year Anniversary!

It occurred to me at some point today that I completely missed Cinnamon Rugelach and Other Junk's two year anniversary. After looking through my archives to see if I commemorated its first anniversary last year, I noticed that last year I missed it too and posted a special index of my favorite posts from that year a few days late. I'm even later this year, but better that than never, I guess. (Which isn't really my fault, I'm just not big on giving significance to many days other than birthdays.)
I made an index of 22 posts that I liked because I'm turning 22 in 10 days. Just kidding. It happens to be that I just liked 22 of them. Some are long posts while some are short, some are about The Offive, some about my old car, some about the downfall of America, and some about my love for German words.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy whichever you choose to read.

Consensus is Probably Not Even the Right Word
Yes, That's a K.
Cars Can Get Really Dirty
I Need to Wear Braids
I Don't Do Social in the Morning
Oh, The Joys of Being Awesome
No...You Wake Her
You Say Tomato, I Say Potato
Except Of Course Medical Emergency
The Distance of the Sun to the Earth is Called an Astronomical Unit
Good-Bye America, said The Old Man
I Got These Old Walkin' Blues
I Do, However, Own a Yoga Mat
I'm From Here! I'm From new York!
No, We Do Not
THEY ARE SO DISGUSTING
Tomorrow I'm Going to School in Lederhosen
I Got Forty Red, White, and Blue Shoe Strings
I Swiveled My Ankle
That's Crazy.
Guten Morgen
I Would Have Had to Fill Something Out Because THERE COULD HAVE BEEN DRUGS...Which Might Have Been Why She Needed To Carry Food Around With Her, Too

It's Only When I Do Something that Comes Across Wrong that I Wish People Can Read Thoughts

I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it's very possible that the reason the little toe on my right foot is hurting so much is because it's broken. It might just be sprained or injured though, because I was able to wear shoes after all and that doesn't sound like something a broken toe would allow. And it wasn't because of my shoes. On Shabbos a folded chair that was leaning against the wall slid down and jammed itself very hard into my toe. I didn't really mind because Zahava bought button candy for Shabbos.
Wow, a friend just looked at some of my pictures from Purim and told me I looked like a 1950s zombie maid. He is so on.
I am now going to share an embarrassing story. Not because I come out of it a hero (I don't), but because it involves the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and anything that involves the TMNT needs to be mentioned. Our Shabbos meal consisted of 8 girls and I think 7 boys, but I can't remember exactly. Anyway, everyone knew everyone else and no one was being friendly, so Zahava and I ended up having our own private little conversations. Not because we were being unfriendly, but because no one cared to include us in the bigger conversation. Near the end of the meal, I heard someone mention Donatello and immediately perked up.
"Who likes Donatello anyway?" the guy was saying. "He's such a geek."
"I DO!" I shouted. (Sometimes, when overwhelmed by excitement, I shout. It was by mistake. It was also only part one of this embarrassing moment.)
"But he was just a geek who built things," the guy said.
What I should have said was "yes," or "and that's just my speed," or "I guess I have a thing for those who can apply mathematics." Any of those--any combinations of those--would have done. Instead, I looked him straight in the eye and did a come-hither "heeellooooo!" And, of course, my "heeellooooo!" came across as me hitting on him and not me explaining how I feel about Donatello and his building skills. As soon as it left my mouth, I continued staring at this guy (who had been sitting across from me the whole meal without introducing himself) in utter shock that I had done something so embarrassing. Seriously, he was not the guy I was thinking of when I did that. When I realized he was looking at me in surprise that I felt so strongly about him, I started laughing almost as hard as Zahava was at that point. And it was just as bad as I made it sound.

A Little Known Fact About Chaya is that My Brother Used to Call Her "Cool Dude". . . When We Were Awkward 9th Graders

Once upon a time, I went into the city to meet a friend who was going to look at rings. She was getting engaged and her then-future fiance wanted her to get a sense of what she liked and what looked good on her. To be honest, I didn't even try on a single ring (okay, I tried on one and it looked terribly large and I took it right off) and the only thing I did was measure my ring size because that's just a convenient thing to know. So my highlight was when one of the diamond guys complimented me on the ring I got for $10 at the Nyack Street Fair.
Later that day, my friend went back to whence she came and I went out on a date. Before going on the date, I decided that, "I went ring shopping!" was possibly one of the scariest things a girl could tell a date, so I stuck with a, "my friend had some errands to do." Which was true. It was an errand. Then a friend and I were trying to think of a list of the no-nos to say on a date and only, "I'm pregnant" ranked higher than talking about ring shopping. And while I haven't done a QOTD in forever, I think Steve's--"WHAT? I gave up pork for that girl and this is how she repays me?"--response last night to my telling him that Chaya got engaged was priceless.
Have a Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sameach.